How to Offer an "Affirmative Boundary"

Mar 2, 2023

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Have you ever found yourself in a situation with a friend where you needed or wanted to say no, but struggled to find the right way to say it? Telling anyone, especially a friend, ‘no’ can be difficult, but neglecting this truth can create more problems down the road. In this episode, friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson encourages women to assert affirmative boundaries. This tactic can help women stay true to their needs and feel more confident in their ‘no’ while maintaining strong female friendships.

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Saying no doesn’t have to be hard. Whether you may be afraid to say no because you simply don’t want to do something or because you can’t, the act of saying no can still leave feelings of guilt. On the other hand, if the “yes” is falsely expressed, it can leave you feeling resentful instead.

A solution? Affirmative boundaries. Here’s the formula:

Establish common ground, express your boundary, offer your form of “yes”.

Friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson’s technique for setting affirmative boundaries involves ending the no statement with something uplifting and positive. Don’t be mistaken, some situations do require straightforward, unequivocal no’s. But in other cases, providing a softer negation can buffer the sting of rejection that the friend receiving it may feel. And as our friendship expert puts it, ultimately, “If we get a little more comfortable and equipped with our affirmative boundaries or affirmative no’s then it will help us to preserve our personal integrity while also maintaining connection in the friendship.”

Quell the Questioning

Similar to when you’re the recipient of a no, a friend’s decision can feel personal and it can lead to lots of questioning about the friendship. Questions as to whether she’s mad or not as invested. The mind can start spinning with wonders and what-ifs. When the assertion is provided in a way that’s productive – the friend clearly shares what they’re comfortable with while reassuring the other that the friendship is still good and the connection is strong – it can be more helpful and bonding than expected. Say a woman invited a group of friends to her luxurious bachelorette party, which requires a lot of personal expenses to be doled out ahead of time. For one of the ladies, this financial commitment causes stress and just isn’t possible at the moment. The friend shouldn’t feel the need to say yes and internally feel resentful or be super apologetic and ashamed that they can’t make it. It’s just a no, that may look like, “No, I actually can’t swing it, but when you’re back, come to my place and we’ll pop open some bubbly and you tell me everything!”. Showing that the friendship between women is still great and that there’s truly nothing to question or worry about.

Staying True To You

Social situations can also feel like a bind, but remember that it’s best to honor and be honest about your needs with the women that you care about (and who care about you too). If it’s getting too late during a night out with the girls but they’re begging you to stay, try using affirmative boundaries. No need to get fiery or aggressive with your reasoning for wanting to leave. A simple “No, not tonight but I’m looking forward to the next time” or “I’ll call you tomorrow to hear all about it.” still shows that you want to show up for your friends while maintaining your own needs. Be comfortable with taking care of yourself first, otherwise you as an individual may suffer and as a result, the connections with your friends will too.

Listen to the episode to get this week’s homework. And if you need personalized support, consider booking a one-on-one session at Betterfemalefriendships.com.