Episode 323: The Most Common Sex Fights, And How To Solve Them
Aug 30, 2024
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Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a board-certified psychiatrist specializing in sexual health, dives into the tricky terrain of sexual conflicts in long-term relationships. She breaks down the most common fights couples have about sex, from mismatched desires to communication hurdles. What do you do when one partner craves more intimacy? How can you express unmet needs without sparking a fight? Elisabeth offers practical solutions, encouraging open dialogue about solo sexual habits like masturbation and porn use to foster healthier connections.
Addressing the common sexual desire discrepancy between partners requires open communication and practical solutions like scheduling sex to enhance mutual satisfaction.
Encouraging balanced sexual initiation through collaborative discussions can reduce pressure and foster a more inviting and spontaneous intimate environment.
Deep dives
Conflict Around Sexual Frequency
One of the most common issues in long-term relationships is the discrepancy in sexual frequency between partners, where one partner desires sex more than the other. This mismatch, often referred to as a sexual desire discrepancy, creates tension in the relationship, with one partner feeling neglected while the other feels pressured. Experts suggest recognizing that such discrepancies are bound to occur, as it is unrealistic to expect both partners to always be in sync regarding sexual interests. Solutions discussed include scheduling sex, enhancing its quality to ensure mutual satisfaction, and fostering open communication to effectively negotiate desires.
Navigating Sexual Initiation
The dynamics of sexual initiation often complicate intimate relationships, particularly when one partner wishes the other would take the lead more often. This responsibility can sometimes lead to feelings of pressure, which diminishes spontaneity and excitement. To foster a more balanced approach to initiation, couples can engage in open discussions about their preferences and establish creative ways to signal interest in sex. By collaborating on methods for initiation, partners can nurture confidence and create a more inviting environment that complements their sexual relationship.
Addressing Dissatisfaction in Sexual Encounters
Many couples face the challenge of feeling that their sexual experiences have become predictable or unsatisfying over time. Communicating concerns about the quality of sex is essential, and it's beneficial to frame such discussions positively, focusing on a desire to enhance mutual enjoyment rather than criticizing past experiences. Approaches may include outlining what partners appreciate about their sexual life and suggesting new ideas or activities to explore together. By cultivating an open dialogue about desires for variety, couples can rejuvenate their sexual connection and enhance intimacy.
Understanding Solo Sexual Behaviors
Conflicts may arise in relationships surrounding a partner's solo sexual behaviors, such as masturbation or pornography use, especially if viewed as a threat to the relationship. It is important to understand that sexual expression is an individual experience and does not detract from shared intimacy with a partner. Reframing these activities as essential to personal satisfaction allows for healthier conversations about individual needs. By promoting the idea that solo sexual behaviors enhance overall well-being and energy for the relationship, couples can mitigate feelings of insecurity and foster a more inclusive understanding of their sexual lives.
Sexual conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships. It’s virtually impossible for partners to always be erotically in synch with one another at all times over the course of many years together. That’s why everyone fights about sex from time to time. In today’s show, we’re going to explore the most common sexual conflicts that arise in long-term relationships, as well as practical tips on how to solve them.
My guest is Dr. Elisabeth Gordon. She is a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in sexual health. She maintains a New York City based private practice and is also an educator, speaker, researcher, and writer dedicated to advancing sexual health. She has taught at multiple academic institutions around the world, and is a frequent commentator on sexual health topics in the popular media.
Some of the topics we cover in this episode include:
What’s the most common sex fight?
What should you do when one partner wants more sex than the other?
How do you tell your partner that you want them to initiate sex more often?
What are some ways to tell your partner that the sex you’re having isn’t meeting your needs?
How do you deal with a selfish lover?
What should you do when masturbation and/or porn use become conflict areas in a relationship?
Whether you’re just a few dates in or have been together a long time, it’s time to lighten the mood and have fun with your partner by using Paired. Head over to paired.com/justin to get a 7-day free trial and 25% off if you sign up for a subscription.
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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.
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