In this episode, Dr. K breaks down why ADHD can quietly erode relationships—and why it’s still fixable once you can see the pattern. He opens with bleak data (most partners report ADHD significantly harms the relationship and that they feel forced to “compensate”), then reframes those stats as useful: patterns are predictable, and predictable means preventable. The core issue he names is symptomatic misperception—a neurotypical partner interprets ADHD behaviors (forgetting, distractibility, missed plans) as “you don’t care,” creating an emotional injury on top of the practical problem. From there, he explains how many people with ADHD develop dysfunctional adaptations (like masking, shutting down emotionally, or avoiding commitments) to avoid conflict, but those coping strategies create new damage. He offers a repair approach: map the recurring behavior → identify what emotion you’re trying to avoid in your partner (often disappointment) → build a shared plan to tolerate and address that emotion without avoidance. He closes by highlighting pragmatic communication (turn-taking, not interrupting, tracking topics, nonverbal cues) as a common ADHD struggle that affects “connectedness,” and points toward couples-based ADHD therapy and skills training as evidence-based ways to improve.
Topics covered include:
Symptomatic misperception: ADHD symptoms being misread as a lack of care
The “two injuries” problem: the practical miss (cake) + the meaning attached to it
Dysfunctional adaptations: masking, avoidance, indecision, emotional shutdown
A repair map: behavior → what you’re preventing → the core emotion → alternative plan
Pragmatic communication skills and why ADHD disrupts conversational “flow”
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