Shame, Certainty, Memory and Healing: An Updated Approach to Treating Betrayal Trauma

Tony Overbay, LMFT, and Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, dive deep into the complexities of betrayal trauma, focusing on the emotional and cognitive challenges faced by both partners. They explore how the betrayer's shame and fragmented memories often lead to staggered disclosures, which can further traumatize the betrayed partner. Over time, understanding the flawed nature of memory, the impact of shame, our desire to alleviate discomfort at almost any cost, and the human need for certainty is crucial. By developing emotional regulation, better communication skills, and a deeper understanding of oneself and each other, couples can approach the formal disclosure process with less pain, more intention and compassion, and potentially more realistic expectations. This discussion highlights the importance of patience, education, and therapeutic support in healing betrayal trauma.

Tony shares the continuing evolution of his therapeutic approach for working with betrayal trauma, building off of his work with hundreds of couples over the past decade. Tony emphasizes the need to intentionally delay full disclosure until a strong foundation of emotional skills and mutual understanding is built. He explains how therapists must remain differentiated and confident in their methods to guide couples through this challenging process. By focusing on the concepts of memory, certainty, emotional immaturity, and effective communication, Tony and Marla offer valuable insights for anyone navigating the painful path of betrayal trauma.

If you are interested in contacting or working with Marla, reach out to her at marlachristensencounseling@gmail.com

00:00 Welcome Back to the Virtual Couch

00:24 Understanding Dual Licensing

01:50 The Licensing Exam Experience

02:31 Introducing the Controversial Theory on Betrayal Trauma

03:39 The Concept of Formal Disclosure

06:34 Personal Experiences with Staggered Disclosure

09:15 Confabulation and Memory Mechanisms

15:55 Therapeutic Approaches to Betrayal Trauma

19:03 Recognizing Signs of Discouragement

20:48 The Two-Choice Dilemma

22:46 Understanding Memory and Its Challenges

27:10 The Quest for Certainty in Relationships

34:39 The Concept of Lying and Its Implications

36:19 Final Thoughts and Reflections

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