Her Best Self: Freedom from Disordered Eating, Body Obsession & Perfectionism EP 253.5: When Your Family Doesn't Understand Your ED ~ How to Set Boundaries This Holiday Season
Your family doesn't understand your eating disorder. They make comments about your food. They trigger you at every holiday gathering. You're walking on eggshells, feeling attacked, and wondering if recovery is even possible around them.
Girlfriend, this episode is for you.
Host Lindsey Nichol shares an incredibly vulnerable moment - her mom called crying after listening to the podcast for the first time, saying "I had no idea what I was doing during your recovery. I just knew I needed to help you." This emotional conversation revealed a profound truth: families don't understand because they're trying to understand while dealing with their own pain.
In this powerful episode, Lindsey addresses both sides of the struggle - what to do when your family doesn't understand your eating disorder, AND what loved ones need to know about supporting someone in recovery. Because the truth is, hurt people hurt people. And your family's "attacks" might actually be their way of coping with fear, denial, and their own feelings of helplessness.
Whether you're dreading Thanksgiving dinner, anxious about Christmas gatherings, or just trying to survive family events without being triggered - this episode gives you the boundaries, scripts, and strategies you need to protect your recovery while staying connected to the people you love.
This is for you if you're struggling. This is for you if you're supporting someone. This is for all of us navigating the complexity of family, recovery, and the holidays.
In This Episode, You'll Hear:Lindsey's Mom's Tearful Phone Call
- Her mom called crying after listening to the podcast for the first time
- "I had no idea what I was doing through your healing journey"
- "I just knew you were my only child and I wasn't gonna have it"
- How she educated herself about eating disorders but still felt lost
- "Most of the time I had no idea what to do next"
- The growth that's happened over the years in their relationship
- Why this conversation was so powerful and needed
The Truth About Family Not Understanding
- When your family doesn't understand, it can be paralyzing
- Even though Lindsey's mom didn't understand HOW to support her, she loved her
- The message: Love doesn't always know how to show up correctly
- There is so much happening in your mind that family can't see
- The growth that happens over time as you work through recovery together
Why This Matters for YOU
- You don't have to sit in this mess and let it become who you are
- This is just a speed bump in your journey
- If you're a parent struggling with what to do next, you don't have to have it all figured out
- It's important to get as educated as possible to support your loved one
- The importance of boundaries on BOTH sides during recovery
The Reality: Your ED Affects Everyone
- This illness affects and hurts every person close to you
- Yes, it's isolating, but it echoes to everyone around you like dominoes
- You can be in your own feelings thinking it's not harming people, but it is
- If you don't have energy, you're snapping at your kids
- If you aren't nourishing yourself, you're not giving your best to others
- You may be triggered by family comments, but they're dealing with their own emotions too
Why Your Family Seems Unsupportive
- Everyone in your life has their own way of coping with what you're struggling with
- If you're resisting recovery, your family might be resisting change too
- They may seem unsupportive or attacking, but this is THEIR way of handling and coping
- Lindsey's mom was terrified and avoiding judgment from others
- She told NO ONE - not even immediate family
- She took it on as self-blame: "What did I do wrong as a parent?"
- Your illness is NOT isolated - it's impacting everyone, even if it feels isolating to you
The Walking on Eggshells Reality
- Lindsey's mom felt like she was walking on eggshells
- She never knew if she'd trigger Lindsey or push her in the opposite direction
- She never knew what mood Lindsey was in or what she'd eaten last
- When she asked questions, it was to gain understanding
- But Lindsey couldn't give that understanding because she was trying to figure it out herself
- There was positive intent 9 times out of 10
- Even anger or denial often comes from positive intent
The Phases of Denial
- Lindsey was in denial of the disorder
- Her mom was ALSO in denial that this could happen to her child
- Her mom was angry - all those feelings were valid and real
- Being in denial works in many ways on both sides
- You might not feel "sick enough" but that's not the point
- Even loved ones go through phases of denial before they can help
Hurt People Hurt People
- This is how pain gets passed on generation after generation
- Lindsey doesn't want you to just break chains of ED
- She wants you to break chains FOR your loved ones and yourself
- Meet anger with kindness and understanding
- Be compassionate while honoring your path
- This is hard because we want to be left alone in the disorder
Brené Brown says: "When we are busy pleasing and perfecting and performing, we end up saying yes a lot when we mean no."
- Use your voice
- Share with people closest to you where you are in your journey
- Share where you are in your struggle
- This was the hardest thing - Lindsey didn't share, she just dealt with her own stuff
- She wasn't ready to share when she was being probed
- Share if they're SAFE people (this is important)
- Ask them for support
- Ask them for what you need from them
Why This Matters: If you're a people pleaser, this is hard. But if your support system is trying to fix or please you, they actually NEED something to do. Give them something to do that makes them feel like they're helping.
Strategy #2: Have the Hard Conversations- Let people in your circle know how they can show up for you in hard times
- Have those vulnerable moments
- Lindsey wishes she would have done this
- Hear them and remain open-minded
- Let them share their feelings too
What to Say:
- "I know that you care about me, but comments about my food choices right now aren't helpful for my recovery journey"
- "I appreciate you and I know that you love me, but I'm working with a care team and professionals to help guide my journey and health forward"
- "I need to heal my relationship with my food, so I'm going to remove myself from any diet conversations or triggering discussions this holiday season because I don't want to absorb that. It's the opposite of what I'm trying to do"
As you go into the holiday season with family gatherings and events:
- Have self-care practices in place
- Know your go-to's for triggering situations
- Sometimes this looks like an EXIT STRATEGY
Lindsey's Example: Even YEARS after recovering from anorexia, she'd go to Thanksgiving wondering:
- Are people watching if Lindsay takes the roll?
- Are they watching if Lindsay has stuffing?
- If she only has a bite of pie vs. a slice, does that mean she's struggling again?
- She felt like people were watching her in a fish tank
The Truth: That was HER stuff. Even if they ARE watching, you're strong in your decision-making. You're strong in your truth. You know you're for YOU.
Strategy #5: Have an Exit StrategyIf you're going to be around someone super triggering:
- Share your voice
- Speak your truth
- Be true to you
- Go with other people
- BUT if you get super triggered, know that's not going to help you hours or days after
- Have an EXIT STRATEGY ready
- It's okay to focus on recovery while participating in traditions
- How am I different this Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year than last year?
- How has my mind grown?
- How has my heart grown?
- What are my dreams?
The Reality: When you're stuck in the disorder, you can't have dreams because it robs you of thinking further along than the current moment. All you can think about is what you can eat next or can't.
Strategy #7: Put Yourself Around Understanding PeopleTake care of YOU. Spend time with people who understand where you are.
But even if they DON'T understand - boundaries provide healthy structure.
The Truth: You're a structure queen. Structure is essential in building anything that lasts and thrives. You've got to have healthy structure.
Boundaries = valuing you + bettering you
For Loved Ones & Supporters:If You're Supporting Someone With an ED:
Your Boundaries Are Just As Important- When Lindsey's mom was trying to help, fix, and do all the things - she wasn't taking care of HERSELF
- She wasn't honoring her own needs
- She was walking on eggshells worried something she said would set Lindsey off
- Setting boundaries isn't about pushing that person away
- That's actually ENABLING them by isolating them more into the disorder
"I feel like there is something going on with you. I want to support you. I'm seeing changes in you. I want to help you, and right now maybe I don't even know what that looks like, but I just want you to feel seen and loved by me. I want to hold your hand. When you need me - and we all will have that breakdown mode - I'm here."
When They Pull Away:Sometimes when somebody pulls away, it means they need space to process.
Lindsey's Truth: She knew what her mom was telling her was the truth because she loved and looked up to her. Part of her heart already KNEW. Part of her was searching for someone to say it. But she was feeling all these different feelings.
Brain Dump Your FeelingsWhether you're the one struggling OR the caretaker - brain dump all those feelings. That's part of healing.
Remember: Hurt people hurt people.
Key Takeaways:✨ When your family doesn't understand, it's paralyzing - but love doesn't always know how to show up correctly
✨ Your eating disorder affects EVERYONE close to you, even if it feels isolating
✨ People that love you usually mean well - they're just not sure HOW to mean well
✨ Your family's "attacks" are often their way of coping with fear, denial, and helplessness
✨ Hurt people hurt people - pain gets passed on generation after generation
✨ Use your voice - share where you are with SAFE people and ask for what you need
✨ Boundaries value you and better you - they create space to heal
✨ Have an exit strategy for triggering holiday situations
✨ Pre-plan your self-care practices before family gatherings
✨ Setting boundaries isn't pushing family away - it's creating space you need to heal
✨ Your recovery journey deserves respect and protection
✨ If you're a supporter, your boundaries are just as important
✨ When someone pulls away, they often just need space to process
Questions to Reflect On:About Your Family:
- Does your family understand what you're going through?
- Do you feel attacked or on defense around them?
- Have you shared where you are in your journey with safe people?
- What do you need from them that you haven't asked for?
- Are you resisting their help because you're not ready?
About Your Boundaries:
- What boundaries do you need to set this holiday season?
- Have you shared those boundaries clearly?
- Do you have an exit strategy for triggering situations?
- What self-care practices do you have in place?
- Are you putting yourself around understanding people?
About Your Growth:
- How are you different this year than last year?
- How has your mind grown?
- How has your heart grown?
- What are your dreams now?
- Can you think beyond the current moment?
If You're a Supporter:
- Are you taking care of yourself while supporting your loved one?
- Are you setting your own boundaries?
- Are you walking on eggshells worried you'll set them off?
- Have you asked them what they need instead of assuming?
- Are you creating space for them to process?
Don't Face the Holidays Alone
If you need support this season because you don't have that support person, or no one understands you, or you feel like no one does - Lindsey doesn't want you to go at this alone.
Even with a healthy support system, you should work with somebody who's been there and gone through an eating disorder.
Why It Matters: How do we teach our kids to ride a bike if we've never ridden a bike before? It's so important to work with a professional who understands right where you are.
How to Get Support: Visit www.herbestself.co to fill out a client application and get on the books for the new year.
You deserve to have a wonderful holiday. Focus on setting personal boundaries for yourself AND for your loved ones.
Option 1: The Recovery Collective Join Lindsey's group coaching program where you'll get:
- Community support from women who understand
- Weekly guidance and tools
- Accountability for hard days
- Strategies for stomach triggers and body image struggles
Option 2: One-on-One Personalized Coaching work directly with Lindsey for:
- Custom plan for YOUR triggers and challenges
- Weekly support and accountability
- Tools specific to your recovery journey
- Personal guidance through the hardest moments
Learn more about both options at www.herbestself.co
You don't have to navigate this alone. Let's walk through recovery together.
Connect with Lindsey- Website: www.herbestself.co
- Private Facebook Community: Her Best Self Society www.herbestselfsociety.com
- 1:1 Client Applications: HBS Co. Recovery Coaching - Client Application - Google Forms
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Subscribe & Review:If this episode resonated with you—if you saw yourself in Lindsey's rejection story—please subscribe to Her Best Self wherever you listen to podcasts and leave a review. Your reviews help other women who are tired of perfectionism and people-pleasing find this show and realize they're not alone.
Share this episode with a friend who needs to hear the truth!
About the HostLindsey Nichol is a former competitive figure skater turned God-led entrepreneur, boy mom, and digital CEO. She understands how core beliefs formed in childhood can create and maintain eating disorder patterns, and she's passionate about helping women identify and transform these beliefs to find lasting freedom.
If this episode helped you feel hopeful again and remember your worth isn't found in your body or on your plate, please share it with someone who needs to hear this message. Your support helps more women break the chains of limiting beliefs.
*While I am a certified health coach, anorexia survivor & eating disorder recovery coach, I do not intend the use of this message to serve as medical advice. Please refer to the disclaimer here in the show & be sure to contact a licensed clinical provider if you are struggling with an eating disorder.