In this episode we talk with Iris Chen about her new book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent. Iris admits to being a parent who engaged in "yelling, spanking, and threatening with unreasonable consequences" - but far from becoming a well-behaved, obedient child, her son fought back. The harder she punished, the more he resisted. Their home became a battleground of endless power struggles, uncontrollable tantrums, and constant frustration. But Iris didn't know what else to do: she had learned this over-controlling style from her own parents: watching TV without permission, talking back to her father, and having a boyfriend before college were simply out of the question when she was growing up. In her parents' eyes, they had done all the right things: Iris got good grades, graduated from an elite university, and married another successful Chinese-American. But through interacting with her son, Iris realized that all of these achievements had come at a great cost: a cost that her son was trying to show her through his resistance. Eventually Iris saw that her son's behavior wasn't the problem; he was simply reacting to her attempts to control him, and that it was her own approach that needed to change. Now Iris is well along her own Untigering path: basing her relationship with her children on finding win-win solutions to problems, being flexible, and respecting each other's boundaries. As I do too, Iris sees this path as a journey toward creating a society where everyone belongs. If you see yourself in Iris' descriptions of her early days as a parent, and especially if you find yourself routinely overreacting to your child's age-appropriate behavior, I invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers, which will help you to understand the true source of your triggered feelings (hint: it isn't your child's behavior!), feel triggered less often, and respond more effectively to your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.

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Jump to highlights: 01:34 Children’s dilemma between being seen/heard and being accepted 02:50 The trauma we pass on to our children 04:04 How to tame your triggers 04:59 Confidence in parenting that gives parents a sense of calm 06:39 Iris as a Deconstructing Tiger Parent 08:13 “I thought my responsibility as a parent was to push harder when my child resisted” 09:26 “I saw in my children a freedom to express their resentment in ways that I was never free to” 11:05 The walls that are created between parent and child because children’s authentic selves are not accepted 11:24 Our parents have their own traumas as well 13:18 The Idea of Untigering 14:19 Permissive parenting 16:06 Viewing children as full human beings 18:43 Adultism and Childism 20:05 Is respect something a child needs to earn from their parents? 21:26 Redefining our ideas for success as parents 27:29 Navigating the needs that drive behavior 31:30 Chinese somatization 33:57 The internalization of injustice and suffering 36:50 Holding space for one another and the greater community 41:19 The cascading effect of changing the way we relate to our children Books and Resources:

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Reference Mauner, R.G., Hunter, J.J., Atkinson, L., Steiner, M., Wazana, A., Fleming, A.S., Moss, E., Gaudreau, H., Meaney, M.J., & Levitan, R.D. (2017). An attachment-based model of the relationship between childhood adversity and somatization in children and adults. Psychosomatic Medicine79(5), 506-513.

SYPM 011: Untigering with Iris Chen