#1238 - Punished by Rewards With Alfie Kohn

We sit down with world-renowned author and speaker Alfie Kohn to explore why traditional discipline methods—punishments and rewards—don’t truly work. We unpack how control-based parenting backfires, what the research says about intrinsic motivation, and how parents can move from “doing things to children” to “working with children” to foster true moral development and connection.

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KEY POINTS:

• Punishment teaches power, not morality—it damages relationships and promotes self-interest over empathy.

• Rewards, including praise and star charts, undermine intrinsic motivation and long-term growth.

• Both punishments and rewards focus on short-term compliance at the cost of deeper learning and ethical development.

• Real change happens when parents collaborate with children, exploring problems and empowering kids to find solutions.

• Effective parenting means questioning whether our expectations are reasonable and focusing on trust and respect.

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QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
“All rewards are just sugar-coated control.”

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RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

• Happy Families resources – happyfamilies.com.au

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ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:

1. Shift from control to collaboration—work with your child to solve problems, rather than doing things to them.

2. Question your assumptions—ask yourself whether your expectations are developmentally appropriate and reasonable.

3. Talk less, ask more—engage your child in reflective conversations about their choices and experiences.

4. Move beyond rewards and punishments—focus on building intrinsic motivation by nurturing autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

5. Stay patient—working with children takes more effort initially but leads to deeper, lasting change and stronger relationships.

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