EP 267: Stop 'Shoulding' All Over Yourself ~ The One Word Keeping You Stuck in Your ED & How to Break Free

There's ONE word that's absolutely destroying your progress in recovery. One word that's keeping you stuck, paralyzed, and living in a constant state of shame and disappointment.

That word? Should.

And sis, you need to stop shoulding all over yourself. Like, right now. Today.

Because every time you tell yourself what you "should" be doing, what you "should" have accomplished by now, where you "should" be in your recovery—you're not motivating yourself. You're actually making it HARDER to take action.

In this episode, I'm breaking down the science behind why "should" keeps you stuck, where all these "shoulds" come from in the first place, and giving you 5 powerful reframes you can start using TODAY to break free from the shame cycle and actually move forward.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• The ONE word you need to stop using if you want to become the best version of yourself
• Where your "shoulds" come from (diet culture, perfectionism, family expectations, trauma, comparison)
• The science: Why "should" is the language of obligation, not empowerment
• Research from Stanford showing how "should" keeps your brain stuck in self-criticism instead of problem-solving
• How "shoulding" shows up specifically in eating disorder recovery
• Lindsey's personal story: "I should be over this by now" (like a bad boyfriend from 3 months ago)
• 5 powerful reframes to replace your "shoulds" with choice and compassion
• Why you're not behind, not failing, and not broken
• The edge: How to stop using "should" as an excuse to stay stuck
• A tangible homework assignment to catch yourself "shoulding" and reframe it

If you've ever thought "I should eat this," "I should start today," "I should be further along," or "I should be over this by now"—this episode is your wake-up call.

Stop shoulding. Start choosing. Become who you're BECOMING, not who you "should" be.

KEY QUOTES FROM THIS EPISODE

💛 "Every time you tell yourself what you 'should' be doing, what you 'should' have accomplished by now, where you 'should' be in your recovery—you're not motivating yourself. You're actually making it HARDER to take action."

💛 "Your 'shoulds' didn't just appear out of nowhere. They were planted. They were taught. They were absorbed from every message you've ever received about who you're supposed to be."

💛 "These 'shoulds' create this distortion in your mind that where you currently are is SO far behind where you 'should' be. And so you live in this constant state of not enough."

💛 "'Should' is the language of obligation, not empowerment. It's the language of shame, not choice."

💛 "When we focus on what we 'should' be doing but aren't, our brain gets stuck in a loop of self-criticism rather than problem-solving. We're so focused on the gap that we can't actually take action to close it."

💛 "'Should' keeps you stuck focusing on what you AREN'T doing rather than what you ARE doing or COULD do."

💛 "I remember thinking, 'I should be over this by now. It's been YEARS. This is like a bad boyfriend I dated for three months—why am I still thinking about him?' And I felt so much shame."

💛 "I asked a different question: 'But should I? Should I be "over" something that was part of my life for so long? Should I expect perfection from myself?' And the answer? No."

💛 "You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not broken. You're healing. And healing doesn't follow a script."

💛 "If you're constantly 'shoulding' yourself but not taking action, you're using 'should' as an excuse to stay stuck."

💛 "Stop talking about what you 'should' do and start choosing what you WILL do."

💛 "The words you use shape the life you live. And if you're constantly shoulding yourself, you're living in a prison of obligation and shame."

THE SCIENCE: WHY "SHOULD" KEEPS YOU STUCK

Dr. Albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, identified "should statements" as one of the core irrational beliefs that lead to emotional disturbance. He called it "shoulding" and "musturbation"—the belief that things MUST or SHOULD be a certain way. When reality doesn't match that "should," we experience anxiety, depression, guilt, and shame.

Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study: People who use obligatory language like "should," "must," and "have to" experience higher levels of stress and lower levels of intrinsic motivation compared to people who use choice-based language like "choose to," "want to," or "could."

Stanford University research: When we focus on what we "should" be doing but aren't, our brain gets stuck in a loop of self-criticism rather than problem-solving. We're so focused on the gap between where we are and where we "should" be that we can't actually take action to close that gap.

The bottom line: "Should" keeps you stuck focusing on what you AREN'T doing rather than what you ARE doing or COULD do.

WHERE YOUR "SHOULDS" COME FROM

Your "shoulds" were planted, taught, and absorbed from:

❌ Diet culture - You should be smaller, eat clean, have willpower, look like her
❌ Perfectionism - You should have this figured out, be recovered already, do this better
❌ Family expectations - You should make everyone proud, not cause problems, be strong
❌ Past trauma - You should have prevented it, known better, be over it by now
❌ Comparison - You should be as far along as she is, making more progress, be different

These create a distortion that where you currently are is SO far behind where you "should" be. And that's exhausting—and it's keeping you stuck.

HOW "SHOULDING" SHOWS UP IN ED RECOVERY

"I should eat this."
→ Implies obligation, not choice. Strips away agency. Builds resentment, not trust.

"I should start today."
→ Implies you're behind, late, already failed before you begin. Starts with shame instead of hope.

"I should be further along by now."
→ Assumes there's a timeline you're supposed to be on. Ignores YOUR unique journey.

"I should be able to eat normally."
→ Rooted in comparison and unrealistic expectations. Ignores the reality of YOUR story.

"I should be over this by now."
→ The killer. Creates shame for being human and healing at your own pace.

LINDSEY'S PERSONAL STORY

Years into recovery, Lindsey still had moments where the eating disorder voice crept back in. One day she thought:

"I should be over this by now. It's been YEARS. This is like a bad boyfriend I dated for three months—why am I still thinking about him?"

She felt intense shame. What's wrong with me? Why am I not fully healed?

But then she stopped and asked a different question: "But should I?"

Should I be "over" something that was part of my life for so long? Should I expect perfection? Should I shame myself for being human?

The answer? No.

The reframe: "I'm healing at my own pace. And that's exactly what I need to be doing."

Just like that, the shame lifted. The pressure lifted. And she could actually move forward instead of staying stuck in self-judgment.

THE 5 POWERFUL REFRAMES

REFRAME #1:

❌ Instead of: "I should eat this."
✅ Say: "I choose to nourish my body with this." or "I'm giving my body what it needs."

Why it works: Choice language = empowerment. You're not obligated. You're making a conscious decision.

REFRAME #2:

❌ Instead of: "I should start today."
✅ Say: "I'm ready to begin today." or "Today is a great day to take the next step."

Why it works: Removes the shame of being "behind" and replaces it with readiness and hope.

REFRAME #3:

❌ Instead of: "I should be further along by now."
✅ Say: "I'm exactly where I need to be in my journey." or "I'm making progress, even if it doesn't look like I thought it would."

Why it works: Honors your unique timeline and removes comparison. Progress isn't linear.

REFRAME #4:

❌ Instead of: "I should be able to eat normally."
✅ Say: "I'm learning to eat in a way that honors my body." or "I'm building a new relationship with food, and that takes time."

Why it works: Removes unrealistic expectations and replaces them with patience and self-compassion.

REFRAME #5:

❌ Instead of: "I should be over this by now."
✅ Say: "I'm healing at my own pace, and that's exactly what I need." or "Recovery is a journey, not a destination. I'm on my way."

Why it works: Gives you permission to be human. To heal in YOUR time. To stop rushing the process.

THE COMPASSIONATE TRUTH

You are not behind. You are not failing. You are not broken.

You're healing. And healing doesn't follow a script. It doesn't follow a timeline. It doesn't look the same for everyone.

When you stop "shoulding" yourself, you create space for what's actually true:

✅ You're doing the best you can with what you have right now
✅ You're allowed to be imperfect
✅ You're allowed to take your time
✅ You're allowed to choose yourself without shame

When you replace "should" with choice, compassion, and truth—you unlock the ability to actually MOVE FORWARD instead of staying stuck in self-judgment.

THE EDGE: STOP USING "SHOULD" AS AN EXCUSE

If you're constantly "shoulding" yourself but not taking action, you're using "should" as an excuse to stay stuck.

• "I should start recovery" becomes a way to avoid actually starting
• "I should eat better" becomes a way to avoid actually nourishing yourself
• "I should be further along" becomes a way to avoid doing the work to GET further along

The challenge: Stop talking about what you "should" do and start choosing what you WILL do.

Not because you have to. Not because you're obligated. But because you WANT freedom. Because you're READY to heal. Because you CHOOSE yourself.

YOUR HOMEWORK: CATCH & REFRAME

Catch yourself "shoulding" three times today. Just three.

When you do, pause and ask yourself:

1. Where did this "should" come from?
2. Is it true? Or is it just an expectation I'm putting on myself?
3. What would I say instead if I spoke to myself with compassion?

Then reframe it using one of the five reframes above (or create your own).

Write it down. Say it out loud. Let your brain hear a different story.

Because the words you use shape the life you live.

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Remember, beautiful: Your worth is not measured by how perfectly you do recovery. Healing isn't linear, progress over perfection always, and you are exactly where you need to be right now.

Her Best Self with Lindsey Nichol is a podcast for women in eating disorder recovery who are ready to break free from perfectionism, people-pleasing, and diet culture to live authentically and wholeheartedly.

*While I am a certified health coach, anorexia survivor & eating disorder recovery coach, I do not intend the use of this message to serve as medical advice. Please refer to the disclaimer here in the show & be sure to contact a licensed clinical provider if you are struggling with an eating disorder.