“People-pleaser” friends -- An interview with psychotherapist and boundary expert Terri Cole

A ‘people pleaser’ is literally the antithesis of what we all want to be known as. We see how people-pleasers are portrayed in television and film and we cringe at the display of their desire to be accepted and their tendency to somehow, always be available. But it’s often said that the things we most detest in others may be the attributes we wrestle with most knowingly or unknowingly within ourselves. If you know people-pleasing is a struggle for you and you’re tired of being resentful of others based on actions of your own volition, or you know someone who struggles and aren’t quite sure what specific words of wisdom to impart, this episode is for you. 

I am joined by Psychotherapist and Author, Terri Cole as she shares insight into what people-pleasing is, the root of the issue, the risks it poses to ourselves and our relationships, and how to stop. 

Terri has a passion for helping women liberate themselves with boundaries to break the cycle of overfunctioning. You can check out Terri’s book here, she’d love to connect with you over on Instagram.

I’d love to hear who you want me to chat with next, let me know on Instagram. 

• You can book a private friendship coaching session here.
• Book Danielle Bayard Jackson -- friendship expert and educator-- to speak at your event.
• Join our monthly book club. This month “The Measure” is the book. 

Lastly to submit your own "Girl Problems" question, visit our website OR leave Danielle a voice note (this woman loves a good voice note!) on Instagram @daniellebayardjackson.

What is People Pleasing? 

According to Terri, most of us were raised and praised to be self abandoning codependents, to be people pleasers, because this gave us positive feedback in childhood. Being “nice”, self-sacrificing, and putting on a smile for everyone is praised as a virtue and is something that’s particularly expected of and projected onto women and young girls. 

However, it’s not a virtue. When people pleasing manifests as chronic, pathological, or compulsive, then it’s dishonest — not just to whoever is receiving it, but also to yourself. What we're really doing is giving the people in our life corrupted information about who we are, what we like, how we feel about things, and all under the guise of being “nice.” 

The Risks of People Pleasing

Disordered emotional boundaries are the foundation of People Pleasing because it forces us to prioritize the wants, needs, desires, and feelings of others above our own.

This doesn't mean we should be rude. It doesn't mean we should be super self-absorbed. But the truth is the only person who can make sure that you get your needs met or that you are seen and known accurately in life, in your friendships, and in the world, is you.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

What you think, what you want, who you actually are, matters. It's the only thing you have in this life that is unique to you. This is what makes you you. 

Small changes create sustainable transformation. It's not about immediately being different in your friendships or grabbing a bullhorn and telling everyone there’s a new boundary sheriff in town. 

You must take the time to figure out your likes and your dislikes. If you do your Resentment Inventory, you'll see what friendships and relationships need your attention. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: ‘nobody takes advantage of you without your permission.’ 

If someone thinks that you’re just looking for an argument, share this: 

“I’m looking for connection, truth, honesty, mutuality, respect. If you tell me the truth about how you feel, I feel like you respect me. And if you placate me with pleasantries because of your own fear, I feel like that's a compulsive action you're doing for you, but it's not good for the friendship.”