John Van Epp, a therapist and author of 'How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk,' dives into the emotional traps that lead people to fall for the wrong partners. He discusses how society's misguided relationship templates can obscure obvious red flags. A critical element he highlights is the importance of pacing in relationships, especially encouraging men to take an active role. Additionally, he introduces the 'three T's' of relationship-building: talk, togetherness, and time, providing listeners with valuable tools for healthier connections.
59:09
forum Ask episode
web_stories AI Snips
view_agenda Chapters
menu_book Books
auto_awesome Transcript
info_circle Episode notes
insights INSIGHT
Accelerated Bonds & Red Flags
People often overlook relationship red flags due to accelerated bonding.
This happens when feelings of trust, reliance, and physical intimacy develop faster than true knowledge of the other person.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Relationship Attachment Model
Pace your relationships intentionally.
Avoid letting any bonding area (trust, reliance, commitment, touch) surpass your actual knowledge of the person.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Men as Pacemakers
Men should actively participate in pacing relationships.
Don't solely rely on women to set the tempo; take responsibility for managing relationship progression.
Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode
This book, based on extensive research in premarital, marital, and family relations, provides a comprehensive approach to selecting healthy romantic partners. It introduces the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), which outlines five dynamic bonding forces that influence relationships. The book offers practical advice on judging character, engaging in meaningful conversations, and resolving emotional baggage to ensure healthier relationships.
Why do people sometimes fall in love with someone who is all kinds of wrong for them? Their friends and family see lots of red flags about their partner, but they themselves miss these warnings entirely, sometimes to catastrophic consequences.
My guest today argues that these kinds of errors in relational decision-making happen when someone lets his heart rule without also heeding his head. His name is John Van Epp, and he's a therapist and the author of the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. We begin our conversation discussing what society's default template for creating a successful relationship looks like, and how it leads people astray. John then defines what makes a jerk, a jerk, and the signs that you're dating a jerk. He then explains why it is that people so often miss these signs, by using a model of how attachment develops in a relationship; I think this model is super useful in understanding relational dynamics and you don't want to miss it. We then discuss why men need to do a better job in helping to pace relationships, instead of only letting women set the tempo. We end our conversation discussing the things you need to know about a person that you're forming a relationship with, including their relationship skills, family life, and values, before you escalate your commitment to them.
The Art of Manliness 