186. Divorcing a “Narcissist”? What to Avoid So You Don’t Hurt Your Case

If you’re saying “my ex is a narcissist”… listen first.

If you’ve spent more than five minutes on TikTok, Reddit, or Instagram, you’ve seen it everywhere: “My co-parent is a narcissist.” And we get why that label feels validating. It gives your pain a name.

But here’s the problem: labels don’t carry weight in court — behavior does. And when you lead with a diagnosis you can’t prove, you risk looking reactive, emotional, or unreliable in the one place where credibility matters most.

In this episode, we’re joined by two powerhouse custody attorneys — Kristen Holstrom and Samantha McBride (the Custody Queens) — to explain what actually helps you win: specific facts, consistent documentation, strong boundaries, and a strategy that keeps you from getting pulled into emotional warfare.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

1. Why calling your ex a narcissist can backfire legally and emotionally
2. The difference between traits vs. a true clinical diagnosis (and why it rarely shows up in court)
3. What judges care about most in custody cases: co-parenting and facilitating the other parent’s relationship
4. How to build a case using patterns, timelines, and evidence
5. Why social media is forever (even if you delete it)
6. How co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard can protect you and create documentation
7. “Chess, not checkers”: how to stop reacting and start controlling your side of the street
8. Why custody evaluations can go sideways when you show up with labels instead of facts

Key Takeaways (AKA: The stuff that saves you money and sanity)

1) Labels feel good. Evidence wins cases.

Courts don’t decide custody based on “he’s a narcissist.” They decide based on what happened, how often, and how it impacts the children.

2) Your credibility is everything.

If you sound like you’re diagnosing your ex, you may unintentionally look like the unstable one — especially in high-stakes settings like custody evaluations.

3) Social media can cost you custody time and settlement leverage.

Posting, reposting, liking, or commenting on “narcissist” content can be used against you. Even deleted posts can come back via screenshots.

4) Boundaries are strategy — not weakness.

Tools like OurFamilyWizard don’t mean you failed. They mean you’re building guardrails and a paper trail.

5) Power is preparation.

When you’re organized, strategic, and documenting the right things, you get your power back.

Action Steps (Do this after you finish the episode)

1. Drop the label. Keep the facts.
2. Replace “He’s a narcissist” with: “He missed 7 pickups in 30 days.”
3. Build a timeline.
4. Dates, times, missed exchanges, late pickups, medical info withheld, school info excluded.
5. Get specific court orders.
6. Vague orders create chaos. Specificity creates enforcement.
7. Use a co-parenting app (OurFamilyWizard or similar).
8. Keep communication child-focused and court-friendly.
9. Stop feeding the fire on social media.
10. No posting. No subtweeting. No “oops I deleted it.” None.
11. Clean your side of the street.
12. Judges watch who facilitates co-parenting — even with a difficult person.

Timestamps (Key Moments)

1. 00:00 — “If you’re calling your ex a narcissist… that might hurt you.”
2. 01:03 — Meet the guests: Kristen Holstrom & Samantha McBride (“Custody Queens”)
3. 02:17 — “Labels don’t carry weight; behavior does.”
4. 03:12 — Why “narcissist” and “parental alienation” can reduce credibility
5. 06:37 — What judges care about most in custody cases
6. 07:52 — “How many times have I seen a formal diagnosis? Zero.”
7. 09:45 — Why the “narcissist” label can be a compliment (and a distraction)
8. 10:02 — Why your therapist shouldn’t diagnose your ex
9. 12:29 — Social media: what happens when it gets used in court
10. 16:07 — Andrea’s confession: when your own texts become the problem
11. 18:14 — Likes and shares can derail settlement
12. 19:46 — “Party favors” story + chain-of-texts problem
13. 22:26 — You’re divorcing them… but you’re still co-parenting
14. 26:45 — Custody evaluations: how labels can flip the spotlight onto you
15. 29:07 — The right way to present problems: evidence, examples, documentation
16. 35:32 — OurFamilyWizard: why it protects BOTH parents
17. 37:21 — “Legal strategy replaces emotional storytelling.”
18. 39:14 — “Power is preparation.”
19. 40:04 — Rapid-fire recap: the one thing each guest wants you to remember
20. 48:05 — Final takeaway: courts respond to facts, not labels
21. 50:18 — You’re going to be okay — minute by minute if needed

About Our Guests: The Custody Queens

Kristen A. Holstrom, CFLS and Samantha McBride, CFLS are managing partners of Custody Queens, focused on high-conflict, complex custody cases. They also host podcasts Custody Queens On Air and CQ Off the Clock, and share custody and co-parenting education across social platforms. https://custodyqueens.com/

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Our Divorce Crash Course was designed to hold your hand through the process and help you avoid major and expensive mistakes. Learn more here: https://www.hownottosuckatdivorce.com/divorce-crash-course

Our Family Wizard is another fantasitc resource for those who need help navigating the "fun" world of coparenting. Head to this landing page to see how we work closely with them to support our listeners! http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/notsuck

Friends, slide into our dms, we love love love hearing from you. We are always here to listen and help in any way we can. You've got this and we've got you.

Instagram: @hownotosuckatdivorce

Follow Andrea: @theandrearappaport

Follow Morgan: @divorceattorneychicago