Dr. Dan Allender, an author and expert in trauma therapy, shares insights on how our childhood shapes our parenting styles. He discusses the importance of understanding personal triggers and taking a mindful pause during emotional moments. Allender emphasizes the need for attunement and repair in parent-child relationships to foster a secure environment. He encourages fathers to engage in self-reflection and community support, highlighting the dual callings of intimacy and independence in parenting. His approach celebrates personal growth and the legacy left for future generations.
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question_answer ANECDOTE
Grandparenting Reveals Mutual Growth
Dan describes grandparenting as sweet and exhausting while watching children parent better.
He notes adult children both love and clearly tell where parents failed, inviting growth.
insights INSIGHT
Parenting Is Shaped By Your Story
Parenting flows from how you were parented, blending both brokenness and beauty.
A secure beginning requires attunement, containment, and repair of rupture.
insights INSIGHT
Three Parts Of A Secure Beginning
A secure beginning has three parts: attunement, containment, and the ability to repair ruptures.
Repairing ruptures restores attunement and models owning failure for a child.
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The way you parent stems from how you were parented. That’s why understanding the stories and trauma of your past is essential if you want to provide a secure beginning for your children. In this episode, Dr. Dan Allender offers expert advice to help you own the past, share your stories with others, and find beauty along the parenting journey.
Key Takeaways
A child has a secure beginning if they have attunement, containment, and a parent who can repair ruptures.
The level of failure in parenting is higher than in marriage, friendships, or work.
When you’re triggered, take a 90-second pause to decrease emotional flooding.
There are two great callings in life that you must hold together at the same time: to grow in intimacy and to grow in independence.
Write down your thoughts and then share them with your wife, a group of men, and a story guide, such as a therapist or pastor.
Dr. Dan Allender
Dr. Dan Allender is an author, professor, and co-founder of The Allender Center and The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. With a unique approach to trauma and abuse therapy, he presents on topics such as sexual abuse recovery, intimacy, marriage, and more. Dan and his wife, Becky, enjoy spending time with their three adult children and their grandchildren.
Key Quotes
4:58 - "It's really a sweet gift to be able to see our children parent in a way in which they have truly learned from our mistakes, and yet they've also developed their own way of being in the world. Having adult children, one of the realities that dawns on me virtually every year and that is you're never done. Some of the most complicated days are with adult children. And yet our children love us, and yet they are pretty clear and vocal about where they have felt like we have not done well, past and present, and with a deep invitation, with honor and forgiveness, but to grow. That's one of the things I would say it's just such a life giving presence when your children are taking in your life and growing, but when they have the ability to return that, to invite you to grow, that even with younger children has a level of mutuality that often [doesn't] get talked about in the parenting process."
37:36 - "The reality is, we live in a sinful world and a broken world as already with a proclivity to our own false independence. So, our task, is in some sense, to parent in a way that accentuates the giftedness, while also helping a child name and engage the parts of their own world that don't come as quickly or naturally.
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