#258 Beyond Erections: Redefining Intimacy and Connection (with Shay Doran)

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Shay Doran, a men’s coach who helps guys overcome performance anxiety and erection challenges. Shay shares his personal journey of leaving a corporate career after realizing how deeply these struggles were shaping his relationships and confidence, and why addressing them became his life’s work.

We discuss how performance anxiety often stems from childhood messages about worth and masculinity, and how those beliefs create cycles of pressure, shame, and disconnection in the bedroom. Shay explains why shifting the focus from performance to pleasure, presence, and communication can transform intimacy, and how reframing natural breaks—like moving rooms or reaching for a condom—can ease anxiety rather than trigger it.

Shay also offers practical advice and resources for men navigating these challenges, reminding us that healthy sexuality isn’t about flawless performance, but about connection, patience, and trust.

Key Points:

Shay's background and motivation

Shay shares his personal journey of overcoming performance anxiety and erection challenges, which led him to leave his corporate career and dedicate himself to helping other men with similar struggles. He describes how his father's passing and a realization about the impact of these issues on his life and relationships were the catalysts for change.

The root causes of performance anxiety

Shay and Cam discuss how performance anxiety often stems from early life experiences and messages around the need to perform and be a certain way to receive love and acceptance. They explore how these deep-seated beliefs and insecurities manifest in the bedroom and create a vicious cycle of anxiety and shame.

Reframing the approach to intimacy

Cam shares his approach of shifting the focus from performance to pleasure, connection, and enjoyment. He emphasizes the importance of slowing down, being present, and communicating openly with partners to create positive experiences, rather than getting caught up in the pressure to maintain erections or last a certain amount of time.

Navigating breaks in intimacy

Shay and Cam discuss how the transitions and breaks in physical intimacy, such as moving from the couch to the bedroom or reaching for a condom, can trigger anxiety and the belief that one should maintain an erection at all times. They highlight the importance of normalizing these natural fluctuations and reframing them as opportunities for connection.

Advice and resources for men struggling with performance issues

Shay and Cam encourage men struggling with performance anxiety to seek support, be patient with themselves, and have faith that it is possible to overcome these challenges. They recommend Shay's performance anxiety quiz as a starting point for self-assessment and provide information on where to find Shay's website and YouTube channel for further resources.

Relevant links:

Shay Doran's Website: https://shay-doran.com/Shay Doran's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran