Dive into the intriguing journey of questioning the relentless 'fix yourself' narrative that permeates the self-help industry. Explore how personal experiences of masking and internalized ableism shape our desire to change. Discover the comforting truth that many feel uniquely broken, even when they aren’t. Reflect on five vital questions to assess if a perceived problem truly needs changing. Finally, embrace the idea that it's perfectly fine to pause personal growth and focus on self-acceptance instead.
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insights INSIGHT
Fixing Yourself Isn't Always The Point
Mattia Maurée argues that the idea of 'fixing' yourself often isn't helpful, especially for neurodivergent people.
They highlight how self-help promotes individualistic change rather than community-based healing.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Asthma Mistaken For Laziness
Mattia recounts not knowing they had asthma and feeling lazy during dance class until they learned an inhaler would help.
This shows how being told you're 'broken' can hide simple, treatable needs.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Comparing Inner Life To Outer Behavior
As an 11-year-old, Mattia cried because they believed a friend was inherently kinder than them due to visible behavior.
They later realized their friend was masking and internal comparisons were based on mistaken assumptions.
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I'm a naturally growth-oriented person... however, I often find myself changing or "fixing" things that others think are a problem. What happens when I reorient to what's actually important to me?
The self-help industry will happily sell us solutions, whether or not the problem was actually bothering us before we heard about it.
Many of us feel like we're struggling alone. But not only are most people silently struggling, many neurodivergent folks feel that they're uniquely broken. It's such a common experience!
It's totally fine to choose to change something about your life. However, it can be helpful to check in with yourself to make sure it's really what you want.
The questions I offered around choosing to change something (and especially purchasing a self-help product):
Is this actually causing me any harm?
Is it harming anyone at all? If yes, is that harm actually meaningful, or am I mostly being harmed by the shame around it?
If I changed this about myself, what might "better" look like? Is that definition or desire coming from me, or suggestions outside of myself?
Is paying attention to this popular "problem" keeping my attention away from anything deeply important to me? If I didn't put time, attention, or money into this, what might I want to do instead?
If I never changed again, would I (still) love and accept myself?
Here are the messages I need to hear:
It's okay to take breaks from personal growth.
It's okay to give up on changing things about yourself just because they might make other people more comfortable.
It's okay to focus on what your body and mind actually want and need, whether or not those line up with messaging from people around you.
I bet you're actually doing a great job with the circumstances you've been given.
Even if you never change or fix another thing, I love and accept you.
AuDHD Flourishing