How to Keep Friendships From Imploding | Esther Perel

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Jun 15, 2022

Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and bestselling author known for her work on relationships, dives deep into the complexity of friendships. She discusses how the pandemic has transformed our connections and insists that love and intimacy extend beyond romantic bonds. Listeners learn about the importance of open communication and self-assessment in friendships. Esther also highlights the impact of friendships on mental health and the intricate dynamics of navigating conflicts, loss, and the essence of nurturing these vital relationships.

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INSIGHT

Friendship: A Unique Bond

Friendships are uniquely free-choice relationships, unlike family or romantic partners.
They offer autonomy, allowing for fluctuating levels of engagement and easier dissolution.

ANECDOTE

Miscommunication In Friendship

Esther Perel recounts a story of two friends who each thought the other was abandoning them, but were both wrong.
This highlights how miscommunication can lead to hurt feelings, especially in friendships.

ADVICE

Addressing Hurt Feelings

Address hurt feelings directly, but consider the potential consequences of confrontation.
If the friendship ending is worse than the hurt, maintain the status quo.

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“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.”

These words from the legendary Esther Perel have the power to genuinely change your outlook on life. But while it’s easy to hear them and immediately have your mind go to family relationships or romantic relationships, today we’re going to talk about friendships. Friendships can be massive contributors to mental health. They can also, when they go pear-shaped, be the source of abundant misery.

Today’s guest is the legendary Esther Perel. Her resume is beyond impressive: She is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of books such as Mating in Captivity. Her TED talk has attracted more than 30 million views. She is fluent in nine languages. She is the host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work? And her latest project is called Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories with Esther Perel.

In this episode we talk about:

How the pandemic has impacted our friendships
Esther’s contention that “love and commitment and intimacy don’t just belong to the world of romantic couples”
What makes friendship unique, in good ways and tricky ways
What to consider when determining whether to confront a difficulty in a friendship
How to conduct a self-assessment of yourself as a friend
How systematic we should be about cultivating and maintaining our friendships
How to reconnect with friends authentically
Whether or not we can have platonic friendships across the gender spectrum
How to handle friendships when you’re in a romantic relationship, including friendships you share, friendships with those with whom your partner doesn’t get along, and friendships with exes

Content warning: There are some brief references to sensitive topics, including suicide.

*Esther Perel invites you and a colleague to apply for a session with her that will be part of the new season of her podcast How's Work? Her team is looking for work pairs, co-founders, colleagues, managers, or any combination to join her for a session to explore the future of work together. Apply here.

Full Shownotes: https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/esther-perel-464