A NewCity Story | From Shame to Grace: Joshua Esquivel's Surrender and Belonging
Apr 1, 2025
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In this heartfelt discussion, Joshua Esquivel shares his transformative journey from a strict Seventh-day Adventist upbringing to finding peace and belonging in Christ. He candidly explores his struggles with shame and sexuality, the pain of family rejection, and his desperate prayer that led to a life-changing encounter with the grace of Jesus. Joshua reflects on the joy he's discovered through celibacy and the support of a faith community, emphasizing the gospel's power to bring hope and identity.
Joshua Esquivel's journey highlights the emotional turmoil caused by legalistic beliefs about sexuality in a devout religious community.
The pivotal moment of surrendering to God led Joshua to a transformative encounter with grace, shaping his faith and identity.
Finding a supportive church community allowed Joshua to experience genuine belonging and joy, emphasizing the importance of vulnerability in relationships.
Deep dives
The Influence of Upbringing on Identity
Growing up in a devout Seventh-day Adventist home in rural Oregon shaped the individual’s early worldview. The religious environment emphasized legalism and a works-based faith, which contributed to feelings of shame and a struggle with personal identity, especially regarding sexuality. As puberty hit, exposure to teachings on homosexuality intensified these internal conflicts, leading to a deep sense of shame and a belief in personal defectiveness. This early experience of spiritual and emotional turmoil marked the beginning of a long journey toward understanding and reconciling faith and identity.
The Struggle for Acceptance and Validation
The speaker's teenage years were characterized by a longing for acceptance and validation, largely unfulfilled due to emotional barriers erected to cope with shame. Despite outward appearances of success and friendship, there was an internal struggle with feelings of inadequacy and a deep desire for intimacy. This resulted in a pattern of seeking attention from peers while simultaneously shutting down conversations that would expose vulnerability. As a result, the journey to self-acceptance became increasingly complex, with relationships often based on what could be gained rather than genuine connection.
A Turning Point: Coming Out and Consequences
At the age of 22, the speaker found the courage to come out, leading to mixed reactions from friends and family. The acceptance from friends contrasted sharply with disappointment from family, which strained their relationships for years. This moment marked a significant shift, transitioning from a life of secretive struggle to open acknowledgment of personal identity. While this provided initial relief, the ensuing emotional fallout and resentment toward parental expectations highlighted the complexities of acceptance and familial love.
A Search for Meaning Amidst Crisis
In the subsequent years, the speaker grappled with existential questions about self-worth and purpose, leading to periods of hedonism and substance use. This turmoil culminated in a prayer for divine guidance, expressing a willingness to surrender their identity to God. An unexpected openness to spirituality began to emerge, spurred by exploring various philosophical and religious perspectives that ultimately led to a deeper understanding of Christianity. The transformative power of the Holy Spirit in recognizing the Bible as the word of God marked a pivotal moment in their spiritual journey.
Finding Community and Purpose in Faith
After moving to a new city, the speaker discovered a supportive church community that embraced them without judgment, fostering a newfound sense of belonging. Engaging with this community became a source of joy and purpose, as they learned to share their story with others. Amidst the challenges of navigating relationships with both secular and religious circles, the importance of vulnerability and open dialogue became apparent. Ultimately, the speaker emphasized that a genuine relationship with Jesus can provide a profound fulfillment that surpasses all earthly desires, conveying hope to others facing similar struggles.
In this deeply personal episode, Pastor Benjamin Kandt sits down with Joshua Esquivel to explore his remarkable journey from legalistic religion and inner turmoil to vibrant faith and intimate communion with Jesus. Joshua shares candidly about growing up in a devout Seventh-day Adventist community, wrestling with shame surrounding his same-sex attraction, and the years of isolation, performance, and self-rejection that followed. He recounts his eventual “coming out,” the pain of family rejection, and the years he spent trying to find identity and peace through secular means, including New Age spirituality and relationships.
Everything began to change when Joshua prayed a half-sincere, half-desperate prayer surrendering his life to God. What followed was an unexpected and supernatural encounter with the grace of Jesus through Scripture, Reformed theology, and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. He speaks about his conviction of the Bible’s truth, his calling to celibacy, and the surprising joy and belonging he’s found in the body of Christ—particularly through New City. This is a testimony of gospel hope, identity rooted in Jesus, and the kind of transformation that only God can bring.
You can find the resources referenced in this episode here and here.
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