Duncan Thorpe: Disrupting the Mammalian Industrial Nail Complex

Apr 1, 2021

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Maintainable Nails: Bonus Episode 02

Robby is joined by eccentric billionaire inventor and voice actor Duncan Thorpe, broadcasting from a secret island off the coast of Northern Europe. Together, they take listeners on a deeply unhinged (yet disturbingly logical?) journey into the tyranny of mammalian nail maintenance and the radical future of nail replacement.

🔍 Episode Highlights

[00:00:00] Welcome and Introductions: Robby introduces Duncan Thorpe and sets the tone for a conversation that quickly derails in unexpected directions.
[00:01:10] Are Maintainable Nails Even Possible? Duncan rejects the premise of nail upkeep entirely, calling it a lie rooted in genetic tyranny.
[00:02:05] Disrupting the Nail Space: Duncan introduces his biotech venture, Hard Ass Nails, and explains why humanity must transcend traditional nails.
[00:03:30] How Clicky Made Him Billions: Duncan recalls his invention of a one-click shopping platform and how it financed his nail revolution.
[00:04:30] Legal Woes and Voice Acting Scandals: Robby tiptoes around litigation, including lawsuits from the San Diego Zoo and a failed show called Footy Talk.
[00:06:10] The Industrial Nail Complex: Duncan discusses lobbying, sabotage, and his break with the traditional nail-care establishment.
[00:07:00] Space-Grown Diamond Nails: Why stop trimming your nails when you can replace them with shimmering sheets of lab-grown perfection?
[00:07:40] A Blinding Reveal: Duncan warns Robby about the dazzling visual effects of his diamond nails—viewer discretion advised.
[00:08:00] DIY Vaccines and Clone Ethics: Duncan details his self-sourced COVID vaccine, brewed with blood from younger versions of himself.
[00:09:30] Mass Adoption & Cultural Shifts: Could society embrace surgically implanted diamond nails? What about survival rates?
[00:11:00] Astronaut Hygiene & Nail Clippings in Zero-G: Duncan explains how standard nails pose existential risks on the International Space Station.
[00:13:10] Beyond Nail Polish: Robby reflects on the psychology of nail adornment; Duncan insists diamond nails force emotional reckoning.
[00:15:10] Free Nails—If You Join the Martian Program: Listeners can qualify for complimentary Hard Ass Nails by enlisting in Duncan’s space or subterranean missions.
[00:18:00] Where to Sign Up: Clicky Prime or hardassnails.nails—plus a quick blood test to determine if you're "genetically suited."
[00:20:00] Redefining ‘Nails’: Duncan campaigns to rename construction nails to eliminate semantic confusion with human nails.
[00:21:10] Closing Thoughts: Robby thanks Duncan, who insists this interview “has happened.” Mission accomplished.

🧪 Mentioned Projects

Hard Ass Nails – Duncan’s biotech venture replacing fingernails with diamond implants
Clicky – One-click shopping platform that sparked Duncan's empire
Footy Talk – Duncan’s banned late-night show about foot and hand care
Martian Colonization Program – Enroll via Clicky Prime for free upgrades

🚀 About Maintainable Nails

Maintainable Nails explores the cutting edge of nail care innovation through long-form interviews with the world’s boldest thinkers in nail technology, maintenance philosophy, and post-mammalian beauty trends.

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🌀 This episode is part of an annual satirical tradition released by Maintainable.fm for April Fools'. All interviews are fully improvised and intended for entertainment purposes only.

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