359: Don't Send Emails that Make your Heart Race

This week I want to share a piece of advice that really comes from my wonderful husband and it’s this: Don’t send emails that make your heart race. That email will only make it worse. Let me explain.

Just a few days ago I found myself in bed at eleven, eyes wide open in the dark, building an email in my mind. I laid there meticulously building a case in my imaginary email to explain why I was mad at a person who was mad at me. 

Soon I was bathed in the midnight glow of my screen, writing the email. And rewriting it. And editing it for grammar. Rereading it again. And feeling more and more and more upset as the clock ticked on to 1 a.m.  

I sent it to my husband the next day to ask if he thought I’d explained myself well. The email was temporarily dominating my life, and I wasn’t sure anymore if it was saying what I wanted to say.

He called me as soon as he got my message, rather than write back. 

“It’s well put. But it’s not an email,” he said. “It’s a conversation. This is just going to stoke a fire, it’s not going to do anything to resolve the situation.”

I didn’t send it. So much for the three hours I spent on it. But on the other hand, I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up all day waiting for whatever response would have come.  

Perhaps you can relate to me when I say I am quite conflict-averse. I feel much more comfortable explaining myself in writing than having emotional conversations, especially at work. I’ve been involved in several back-and-forth email tangles over the years where the drama grew and grew and grew as we emailers exchanged missive after missive between classes, over lunch, after school, at night. 

Whether an email whirlwind like this is with an angry student, an upset parent, an administrator, or a colleague, it rarely ends with sunshine and rainbows. 

But here’s what my husband has learned from years working in the student life department at different schools, trying to help upset people resolve situations. Usually, if your heart is racing as you go to click send, it’s meant to be a conversation. Where you can see the feelings of the other person on their face. Where you can explain what you meant when they look blankly at you. When you can see that they’re maybe having a hard time with something else and it’s exploding out at you. Or they can see that. So this week, as much to myself as to you, I want to highly recommend that if our hearts are racing, we have a conversation instead of hitting “send.” 

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