The Essential Difference Between Being Nice Vs. Kind

Do you think of yourself as a kind person? Or maybe you’re nice? There’s a huge difference between nice vs. kind and that’s what I’m talking about in this week’s episode.

A Nice Story

Let me start with a story. Something happened recently that threw me off more than it should have. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it messed with my head—and honestly, it didn’t need to happen. The whole thing could’ve been avoided.

That’s what got me thinking about this topic – the essential difference between being nice vs. kind.

I couldn’t stop reflecting on what happened. I had some thoughts on what separates these two acts, but I did a little digging to get clearer. I discovered there’s even a spiritual angle to this. But first—the story.

I felt drawn to this nonprofit because I liked their mission and I figured I could help! I’ve got an MBA and decades of marketing experience. This seemed like a worthy cause.

So I started asking questions about their marketing plans. The first woman I spoke with said, “Oh, you should talk to Alice. She’s the one who working on that stuff.” I set up time to chat with her.

Confusion Sets In

Alice was honest and said the group wasn’t into marketing. They wanted things to grow “organically” without any help. I figured, okay, maybe they’re not into it and I started let it go.

The next thing I know, the founder of the group reached out that same day and asked if I wanted to talk with her. Imagine that! Maybe there was still a chance?

When we spoke, I was surprised by her positivity. I shared four super simple, no-cost ideas—and she loved them. I wasn’t looking for payment, I just to offer my services.

She even commented, “Spirit must have sent you,” and asked if I had more ideas. I said yes, more will come but let’s start with these. The next step was telling the board at their next meeting – she would bring it up.

I was so excited. It felt like the stars had aligned! Maybe Alice had it wrong or there was a shift happening? After the board meeting, the founder said they loved my ideas. She told me to reconnect with Alice to get things started. I was thrilled.

A Misunderstanding

Things changed during my follow-up with Alice. She mentioned a couple zoom groups and monthly trainings I could join. I was so confused and even a bit angry. What? Why weren’t we talking marketing?

Alice didn’t miss a beat. “This isn’t a business, and we’re not doing any marketing,” she said. Just like that. I wasn’t mad, just completely confused. Not the response I expected based on conversations with the founder. What happened?

I emailed the founder again. She said, “Let’s talk.” When we spoke, everything shifted. She said they move slowly, they want to get to know me better, maybe I should join some groups to see how I fit with them.

The Aha Moment

And that’s when it hit me. The founder didn’t really love my ideas. She was just being NICE!

She could have said, “Thanks, but no thanks.” But maybe she didn’t want to offend me or she’s not good at saying “No”. Instead, she praised my ideas—but left out the truth.

Meanwhile, Alice had been clear from the start. And her voice went through my thoughts in that last conversation, having told me there was no way this was going to work.

Nice vs. Kind

Nice and kind are NOT the same thing. People use them interchangeably, but these words come from totally different places and very different impacts.

You see, most people think they’re kind. Especially women—because we’re trained to be nice and polite. We’re told not to upset anyone and if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

But when being “nice” means hiding the truth, being unable to establish boundaries, or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not—that’s not honest and it’s not healthy either.

Kindness includes honesty or you aren’t showing that you care. There’s no compassion in bing nice – its more self-serving so people like you.

5 Key Differences of Being Nice vs. Kind

1. Motivation and Intention

When you’re being nice, you’re often trying to avoid conflict or get people to like you. It’s about keeping the peace. Kindness comes from be caring and having empathy. You’re doing something because you truly want to support or help—not because you want a gold star.

2. Depth and Authenticity
Niceness tends to be surface-level. It can sometimes even be a bit fake—like agreeing just to keep things smooth. Kindness goes deeper. It’s authentic. It usually requires more courage, especially when it involves being honest in an uncomfortable moment.

A Few Examples

A) Spinach – Someone has spinach in their teeth. If you’re nice, you probably say nothing to save yourself adn themfrom embarrassment. But if you’re kind, you quietly say, “Just so you know, you’ve got spinach in your teeth.”

B) Trouble – A friend’s heading for trouble. If you’re nice you likely stay quiet, thinking it’s not your place t say anything. But if you’re kind, you speak up gently because you care what happens to the person.

C) Dating – I learned to let the men down kindly back when I was looking for love. Instead of ghosting, when a man asked if he could see me again, I was honest and would say, “I had a nice time but I don’t think we’re a match.”

Most men actually thanked me. It was awkward and scary first couple of times, but it got easier. Because honesty almost always wins.

3. Impact
Being nice might make things pleasant for the moment, but it often doesn’t go very far.
Kindness, on the other hand, can be transformative. It can really help someone grow, heal, or feel seen. And it doesn’t leave them hanging on.

4. Expectations
Nice people often expect something in return—a thank-you, approval, validation.
Kind people give from the heart. There’s no hidden agenda, no keeping score.

5. Assertiveness
Niceness avoids discomfort. It’s all about people-pleasing and keeping things harmonious.
But kindness? It’s honest—even when it’s hard. It respects your boundaries and theirs.

The Spiritual Aspect of Kindness

Being nice often comes from the ego. It’s about how you appear, whether people like you, and keeping peace at all costs. It’s fear-based: fear of rejection, fear of disappointing someone, or fear of being judged.

Being kind comes from the soul. It’s about presence, love, and integrity. It doesn’t always feel “nice” in the moment—but it’s honest, aligned, and compassionate.

Kindness might mean saying no. It might mean telling a hard truth. It might even ruffle some feathers. But it comes from the heart. And in the long run, it’s farmore meaningful.

In addition, when you have kindness as a goal, that promotes growth. You’ll likely find yourself in challenging situations so you learn about kindness. You’ll seek opportunities that  require you to do something uncomfortable or inconvenient.

Too Busy to Be Kind?

I was listening to an interview with Houston Kraft, author of a book titled Deep Kindness and he talked about a phrase he coined: “Intersectional thinking.” It helps you link kindness to your everyday life by being specific.

In addition to your “To-Do”list, you can also have a “To-Be” list. So you can set an intention for your day to be kind to one person. This is very doable, vs. an overall goal of being kinder which can be hard to implement. Keep it simple!

Also, when you say you’re too busy to be kind, what you’re really saying is—it’s not a priority. Yet, what you make time for is what you value. So, if kindness is important to you, make time for it.

Say “No” with Kindness

If you’re stuck in chronic niceness, it might be time to practice saying “No” with kindness. Here are several examples of kind ways to say “No” with honesty and integrity.

“I can’t join you because I have something else going on.”
“I wish I could, but my plate is full.”
“No thank you, but I appreciate the offer.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t this time—but maybe next time.”
“Thanks for thinking of me.”
“I don’t have the bandwidth right now.”

The Middle Path

No one loves being rejected and that’s why saying “No” feels hard. But you don’t have to choose between being a people pleaser or being harsh when you don’t agree. There’s a middle path—and it’s kindness.

If you need to practice to build this muscle, don’t start with the trickiest person in your life. Start small. Practice with someone safe. Discover what it feels like to hold your ground and keep your heart open.

Because when you do? You’ll stop being “so nice” all the time, feeling pressured and overwhelmed, and start being real. And that, my friend, serves everyone—especially you.

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