S3E18: Partnership Building: How the Church Encourages Conflict Management through Conflict Avoidance

Desire discrepancy is one of the most common challenges that we see in sex therapy. 

Desire discrepancy is ultimately a difference in a couple or a group's interest in frequency, quality, or types of sexual interactions.

Desire discrepancy does not necessitate conflict. Conflict occurs when folks are unable to manage those differences, which is a necessary skill inside of and outside of sexual interactions. 

However, what happens when you grow up in a system (i.e. the church) that both refuses to talk with you about sexual health, and also encourages you to avoid having conversations that may result in one of you being angry before you go to bed?

Julia and Jeremiah talk about how the discouragement of talking about sexuality negatively impacted their former relationships. Listen to this week’s episode, and learn more about:

Defining Sexual Conflict (10:00): “Sexual conflict and inability to name and navigate sexual differences is still a leading factor in divorce and relationships ending. If we want sustainable and fulfilling relationships, we need the skills to address sexual conflict with a partner or partners.” Jeremiah defines the term that is the focus of today’s episode. This is a principle from the Gottman’s research, which is explored in this series through personal experience and professional training. 

Reasons for Divorce (12:00): “So in 2014, Relationships in America conducted a national poll with over 15,000 people in the U. S. 3, 000 of those folks who took the survey said they were divorced, with 2,100 providing specific reasons for divorce. The top five reasons, all of which approximately 30 percent of the respondents identified, were spouse unresponsive to my needs, grew tired of making a poor match work, spouse's immaturity, spouse's sexual or romantic infidelity, getting back to what you said, and emotional abuse.” Jeremiah outlines a study on the reasons couples get divorced. It’s important to note that the top reason, infidelity, is a sexual conflict. Infidelity does not exist in a vacuum, and there are a multitude of reasons for it to occur, Julia then adds:  “Infidelity is a complicated topic that deserves its own series.  You can also reference our Episode from The Seven Deadly Sins, Don't Commit Adultery. But for the sake of today, infidelity often involves a sexual or erotic component, which I would argue puts infidelity in the sexual conflict category. If it was a factor for divorce by more than one-third of research participants, then that's obviously significant and also significant in terms of research.” 

Desire Discrepancy (18:00): “Desire discrepancy is about more than the frequency of sexuality. So often folks say desire discrepancy and are referring to frequency. Desire discrepancy encapsulates so much more about a couple or a group's sexual experiences. The most important thing that I want to note right now is that sexual discrepancy is actually just a difference or a set of differences within a couple or within some sort of other relational system, which is not actually an inherently bad thing.” Julia discusses desire discrepancy which is a sexual conflict. With EMPish (Evangelical, Mormon, Pentecostal) communities, it is encouraged to avoid any and all conflict, which leads to issues such as desire discrepancy not being discussed. Jeremiah adds: “EMPISH communities encourage couples to avoid conflict altogether, both explicitly and implicitly. Mitigating conflict of all kinds, about sex, money, child-rearing, and anything else, is usually a sign of moral and marital success in the EMPISH Christian world. EMPish communities rely on rigid gender roles to prevent conflict, and they tend to promote a relational style that we would call enmeshed in the family.” Enmeshment as defined by Jeremiah is “Someone in an enmeshed relationship is overly connected to a partner or partners and needs to meet the other person's needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and  feelings.” An enmeshed family does not allow healthy conflict to exist, because the very existence of conflict go against established gender norms. 

Defining Christian Gender Norms (22:00): “Just in case any of our listeners are unfamiliar with genitalia-specific gender roles, I don't know how you found this podcast, but so that we're all on the same page, let me give you a quick little Christian sex ed lesson. This will be very fast. Penis owners, who are exclusively men in EMPish communities, require sexuality in the marital context due to their uncontrollable sexual urges. This means that they are the sexual initiators, which reinforces their dominance and authority within the Christian sphere. Don't let those women be preaching, and don't let them have sexual desires. Sexuality is their right, and wives show respect and deference by being sexually available at all times. In return, men are the providers and protectors for the family system, encouraged lightly to show their wives some nurture because women crave a dash of emotional coddling after their long days caring for the domestic needs of the family.” Julia offers a breakdown of Christian gender roles that sustain traditional marriages. Essentially sexual conflict will exist in these dynamics, however it has no room to develop into an actual conversation which leads to people being angry or upset with themselves and their partners because they have no room to express these feelings. This also creates dangerous ideas for what it means to be a man or woman. 

Lack of Sexual Health Principles (37:00): “So once again, our conflict management style was really just conflict avoidance without language about consent, really any of the other sexual health principles, honesty, shared values, mutual pleasure. We avoided talking about sexuality altogether. We had sex fairly consistently, actually. There was a routine that we went through on Saturday morning that we seldom talked about, but both of us knew, both of us participated in, with brief check-ins on each other afterward.” Jeremiah shares how gendered roles affected his marriage and created conflict avoidance. Without any of the sexual health principles, it is difficult to engage in a healthy sex life, and thus can foster resentment. 

Sexual Script Theory (40:00): “I’ve noticed as a sex therapist in my work with Christian or ex-Christian couples that sex tends to hold a high degree of routine, which I suspect is due to the lack of language about Sexual conflict and sexual conflict management.  Once you've got a routine, whether or not you like it, whether or not you want it sometimes or all the time, you can rely on that and the gender norms to get a pass on the hard and vulnerable conversations, which was, again, a big theme in one of my client sessions last night.” Julia talks about how routine is common within Christian couples because of gender roles and a lack of engaging with sexual conflict. Routine makes sex less exciting and does not allow room for a couple's sex life to grow and explore. Jeremiah then details the sexual script theory:  “Sexual script theory, and there's a lot to this, but the way that we see this in the sex therapy room is couples will end up having sex the same way in the majority of the sexual experiences, which much like the, the performance of gender in the church. Which restricts options. So, so part of what we want to do in sex therapy is to help folks create more options, create more diversity, more variance within, the way that they have sex.” He explains how a sexual script mirrors that of gendered performance within the Church. Most elements of EMPish communities center around routine, which is dangerous because it does not allow space for people to break out of it, and if they do, they are seen as going against the norm. 

Double Bind (48:00): “I really enjoyed the sexual experiences that I had with my ex, limited though they were by purity culture restrictions while we were dating. I felt a high degree of desire for my ex, and I felt a high degree of desire from my ex, which was really exciting and affirming. Now, that being said, I rarely initiated kissing or any other physical exploration because I had internalized the messages around female gatekeeping of sexuality and also the idea that I should be less interested in sex than my male partner, even though at the time I was highly interested in sex.” Julia describes the inner conflict many women experience within EMPish communities, where the lessons they are taught within the Church do not align with the feelings they are having themselves. 

Examples of Discrepancy (1:00:00): “So to go back to the gender roles, What I knew as a woman is that my sole worth was in being a sexually desirable partner. And that was so difficult to access because one, I hated sex to my partner, my ex-husband. was not initiating sex in the way that I wanted or the way that I expected. The way that you were taught.  So I learned that men wanted sex all the time. Not an exaggeration. Every day, multiple times a day if possible. My ex did not initiate sex every day or multiple times a day. Now, what I know now as a sexual health professional is that, News alert! Not all men want sex all the time, or think about sex all the time.” Julia exemplifies how desire discrepancy looks like for EMPish couples, where what you are taught does not align with real life and real people. Once again, couples are not allowed to engage in sexual conflict, and that conflict typically finds its cause within the way sex is taught in EMPish communities.