Alfie Kohn, an expert on parenting and education, joins Dr. Justin Coulson to discuss the problems with punishment and rewards in parenting. They emphasize the ineffectiveness of punishment in disciplining children and the negative effects it has on their moral, social, and intellectual development. They explore the importance of fostering intrinsic motivation and finding alternative methods of discipline, such as exploring the child's perspective, explaining the rationale, and empowering them to find a solution.
Punishment teaches children to focus on avoiding consequences rather than considering the impact of their actions on others, and it models that power can be used to coerce compliance.
Rewards undermine children's motivation and diminish long-term commitment, as they can make certain behaviors less appealing and are seen as a form of control.
Deep dives
Punishment undermines moral growth and focuses on self-interest
According to the podcast episode, punishment teaches children to focus only on themselves and how to avoid the punishment, rather than considering the impact of their actions on others. It also models that someone with more power can coerce them into compliance. Punishment is seen as a way of controlling children, but it only elicits temporary compliance at a significant cost to their moral, social, and intellectual development.
Rewards devalue and control children
The podcast argues that rewards, such as praise or incentives, are the flip side of punishment and also undermine children's motivation and development. Rewards only elicit temporary compliance and diminish long-term commitment. Research has shown that rewarding children for certain behaviors can actually make those behaviors less appealing to them. Furthermore, rewards are seen as a form of control, and children tend to resist being controlled, leading to decreased interest and commitment.
Focus on working with children, not on using rewards or punishments
The podcast suggests that instead of relying on rewards or punishments, parents should focus on working with their children to solve problems. This involves exploring the child's perspective, explaining one's rationale, and empowering the child to participate in finding mutually agreeable solutions. Rather than imposing demands, parents should create opportunities for children to develop decision-making skills, fostering their happiness, ethical development, compassion, and independence. It is emphasized that there is no one-size-fits-all solution, and it is important for parents to listen to their child's experiences and respond appropriately.
You can get mindless obedience in the short term if the reward is juicy enough or the punishment is awful enough. What you can never get is a child who is happy, more ethical, more compassionate, caring or more of an independent thinker.