158 Desire Discrepancy: What to Do When Your Wants Don’t Align

Ever been in a relationship where one of you wanted a lot more sex than the other? Us too! It can be challenging to navigate, especially when you throw in stigma, trauma, sexual shame, and all the other obstacles that can make conversations about sex and desire tricky and painful.

We have good news: There’s a lot you can do to address these issues! In fact, we find that when we do a little digging with our clients, many of those who struggle with desire discrepancy have barely talked about the issue… at all. This week, we’re unpacking why that is and what you can do about it, and we’re sharing some powerful resources to help you along the way.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why conversations about desire discrepancies can be so challenging

— Destigmatizing the topic of desire mismatches through open conversation

— Why there is no such thing as the “normal” amount or type of sex

— The importance of understanding your own desires first

— Why even small differences in desire can start to feel like a problem

— Why getting really clear and specific about desires and past patterns is the key to improving these conversations

— The importance of consent in relationships with desire mismatches

— How we often project inner conflicts about sex and pleasure onto our partners

— Reimagining relationship norms and structures rather than assuming fixed rules

— The complexity and ongoing nature of unpacking unconscious assumptions around sexuality within relationships

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— Emily Nagoski's books "Come As You Are" and "Come Together"

— Emily Nagoski's TED talks and podcast episodes

Join the global Week of Visibility for Non-monogamy – July 15-21. Visit www.weekofvisibility.com to learn more and get involved!

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Read the transcript of this episode here

Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions