S3E19: Partnership Building: How to Manage Differences in Sexual Desire

Desire discrepancy is a set of differences about the quantity, quality, or types of experiences that a couple or a group want to have.

As we mentioned in the last episode, desire discrepancy is not inherently a source of conflict. The difficulty or inability to negotiate these differences is what leads to conflict.

So how can we talk about the different ways that two (or more) partners might access sexuality?

And not just who wants it more? But the different fantasies, preferences, scenarios needed for a positive sexual experience, and much more?

Julia and Jeremiah talk more about a different way to think about desire discrepancy, including:

Defining Terms (7:54): “Simply put, desire discrepancy is a set of differences about the quantity, quality, or types of experiences that a couple or a group want to have. As we mentioned last week, Desire discrepancy is not inherently a source of conflict. The difficulty or inability to negotiate these differences, that's what leads to conflict.” Jeremiah defines desire discrepancy and how it does not spur conflict, but the lack of communication around it does. Julia adds, “EMPish communities tend to discourage conflict and encourage enmeshment within couples and families. Lack of conflict in EMPish communities is a sign of moral superiority and successful marriage, at least according to their rules. EMPish communities tend to view conflict as a threat to the relationship and ultimately the unity of the couple.” She contextualizes the definition within EMPish (Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal) context. Building upon last weeks episode, Julia, and Jeremiah discuss how working on desire discrepancy often has pitfalls within the sexual health context.

Orgasm Gap (24:00): “According to Jennifer Rubin and colleagues, typically speaking, in opposite-sex relationships, You find that 90 percent of straight men consistently orgasm while only 65 percent of women consistently orgasm […] So Jennifer Rubin and colleagues also write about how the prioritization of the male partner's sexual pleasure, as well as larger gendered cultural scripts, were negatively associated with the female desire for sexual activity.” Jeremiah discusses how the perception that women have a lower sex drive than men is inaccurate because a majority of the studies on the topic fail to include the orgasm gap as outlined above, the domestic labor women typically are burdened with, and fears that men do not typically associate with sex. Julia then adds: “That is just so deeply depressing. Considering how often women fake orgasms and accounting for the shame of not being able to orgasm, I would highly suspect that 65 percent is high.  The super sad part is that women don't actually have a refractory period as men. So if anything, women should be having way more orgasms than men, like way more.” The orgasm gap between men and women is influenced by a load of factors, however, as Julia notes, since women do not have a refractory period, it is insane how big the gap is. 

Spontaneous v.s. Responsive Desire (28:00): “Spontaneous desire is a desire that comes fairly naturally, fairly quickly, fairly innately. Whereas responsive desire requires context, requires space, requires time, requires an on ramp, requires a lot of different variables in order to be able to access.  So although the field of sexual health has been considering a more expansive definition of sexual desire beyond spontaneous desire in recent years, there's still a move in our field to equate desire with spontaneous desire. When in fact, spontaneous desire and responsive desire or both are equal forms of desire.” Jeremiah talks about the difference between spontaneous vs responsive desire, and how the field of sexual health tends to hold spontaneous desire as the best form of desire. Julia then shares a metaphor for understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire: “The metaphor that Emily Nagoski used during her talk to describe spontaneous and responsive desire. She described spontaneous desire as waking up in the middle of the night Remembering that you have a piece of your favorite cake in the fridge and then thinking Oh my god. I want cake. I want it now. I'm going to get that cake and it's going to be amazing. That's spontaneous desire. Responsive desire is you received an invitation to a birthday party. You responded to that invitation. You go to the party. You might not even really be especially in the mood for cake, but you're at the party. You're with your friends. You see the cake. Your friends are eating the cake. You remember that you love strawberries and chocolate together. You take a bite. You take a couple of bites and oh my god, it's amazing.  So the cake is great. The cake is equally good in both scenarios. I would maybe even argue that the cake at the birthday party might even be better. That's just a personal preference. That's one way to consider an image for spontaneous versus responsive desire.”

Falling into Gendered Scripts (36:00): “This second pitfall within the field of sexual health, which is the emphasis on more desire rather than co-creating a quantity of experiences that works for any group. So to link back to the pitfalls within the field of sexual health, the field of sexual health does not help folks negotiate sexual differences when they either reinforce the unhelpful, untrue messages about gender scripts or when they focus too heavily on creating more desire rather than helping folks co-create an experience that works for all involved parties.”  Julia describes how the sexual health field is eerily similar to the Church is pushing desire over healthy conflict and communication. Without an effort to navigate desire discrepancy, folks tend to fall into their gendered roles, in and outside the Church, as a default to avoid conflict. 

Relationship 101 (45:00): Jeremiah lists the four tips: 

• #1: “Refrain the idea that spontaneous desire is the only or superior form of desire. Responsive desire is just as important and meaningful.” As previously mentioned, spontaneous desire is not the only valid form of desire, and a tip Julia adds on how to foster responsive desire is sexy texts throughout the day.

• #2: “Consider accelerators and brakes or exciters and inhibitors. Dr. Emily Nagoski has a fantastic and brief assessment on her website called the sexual temperament assessment.” Julia expands on this tip by adding: “Accelerators or exciters are whatever helps you to move into a sexual experience. It doesn't have to be fast, but they are the factors that contribute to you enjoying a sexual experience with a partner or a partner's. Breaks or inhibitors are the things that get in the way either before a sexual experience starts or in the middle. That doesn't allow it to continue or doesn't allow it to be pleasurable in the way that you want.”

• #3: “Have a conversation with your partner or partners about the sexual experiences that you want to have. Be as specific as possible. Paint the picture like an erotic scene.” It can be hurtful when a sexual experience does not go as planned, so put the time into communication. 

• #4: “Foreplay is a 24 to 48 hour long experience.” This can be anything from flirting via text throughout the day or while doing something non-sexual together. Foreplay does not begin 10 minutes before sex, but almost two days before.