160. (S8E44) Raising Spicy Kids! with Mary Van Geffen
Dec 7, 2022
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Mary Van Geffen, an international coaching expert for parents of 'spicy ones,' discusses raising spirited children, choosing connection over control in parenting, and the power of playful responses. She also shares about her classes and courses for parents of 'spicy kids.'
Spicy children are highly perceptive, set boundaries, and can be caring and loving.
Parenting spicy children involves prioritizing connection over control and delighting in their unique qualities.
Deep dives
Understanding Spicy Children
Spicy children are those who express themselves in big, dramatic ways and aren't afraid to take up space. They have intense emotions, often going from zero to 10 quickly. They can be loud, have a lot of energy, and may use mean or beautiful words. Spicy children are highly perceptive of others' feelings but may also lack awareness at times. They set boundaries with adults, prioritize themselves, and can be both sweet and caring. Parenting spicy children involves prioritizing connection over control and delighting in their unique qualities.
Understanding the Term 'Spicy'
When referring to a child as 'spicy,' it means that their temperament is extreme, expressing themselves in big and dramatic ways. They have a zest for life and energy to spare. They can be loud, intensely emotional, and may use both hurtful and delightful words. Spicy children are highly perceptive and observant of others but can also lack awareness. They prioritize themselves, set boundaries, and can be both caring and loving.
Diagnoses and Spiciness
Spiciness in children is not necessarily diagnosable, although some may have certain traits or neurodivergent conditions. The determination of a child as spicy can also be influenced by the parent's own limitations, childhood wounds, or high sensitivity. While some children with diagnoses may experience spiciness, not all spicy children have diagnosable conditions. Understanding and addressing the underlying human needs beneath inappropriate behavior is key to supporting and relating to spicy children.
Guiding Principles for Parenting Spicy Children
The guiding principles for parenting spicy children are prioritizing connection over control and delighting in the child. Parenting is about connecting with the child before directing them. This involves respecting and valuing the child's interests, collaborating with them, and giving them a voice in decision-making. Parents are encouraged to check their own bodies and emotions, maintaining a grounded and open stance. Physical proximity, embodiment, and setting boundaries through full physicality are useful strategies in relating to spicy children.
Mary Van Geffen is an international coaching expert for parents of “spicy ones.” She helps people who are highly competent in life but overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting to lean into the discipline of staying calm. She helps them cultivate warmth and tenderness, all while trying to wrangle the fiery future of their tiny future CEOs. We discuss what it means to have or be a spicy child, and how parents can best react to these spirited young ones.
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