80 How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal

Aug 9, 2021

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Through dramatic reenactments, experiential exercises and the best of available resources, Dr. Peter brings you critical information to help you better love those near you who are struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses. Learn how to be a much better first responder in these situations and to be a bridge to additional resources for your loved ones who are considering suicide.
Lead-in: Imagine a young man, a teenager you care about, one you really love, a family member or friend, or the son of a friend, comes to you, in distress, and he shares this with you -- listen closely as he tells you what's on his heart. [insert script].
1. So now you have this upset, desperate man in front of you, who wants to be dead.
  1. What do you do? How do you handle this situation?
  2. But before we go there, let's start with you. We created a scenario to evoke what might come up in real life when your encounter a loved one who is suicidal.
  3. What do you notice going on inside you right now?
    1. What is happening in your body?
    2. Emotions?
    3. Assumptions or beliefs about yourself?
    4. Memories, desires, impulses.
    5. Replay the last clip
    6. What are parts of you saying to you about you right now?
    7. Really pay attention to those messages
1. I will make a bold claim here -- the number one thing you struggle with in being a first responder to a loved one with suicidal levels distress is [drum roll] your own internal experience.
1. The problem you have is not so much inside the distressed loved one.
1. The problem you have is inside of you, deep within you.
1. You get wrapped up in our own fear, shame, guilt, anger, or your own sense of inadequacy.
1. Did you feel any of that that in this example, confronted with this teenager in such distress, who feels so strongly the desire to die?
  1. Did you feel uncomfortable, on edge, uncertain? Anxious? Ineffective, inadequate? Responsible, but not knowing what to do? Did you experience any self-criticism? Any of those experiences?
2. 1. If so, you’ve come to the right place. I can help with that. [Insert Intro]
Intro:
1. Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I like being together with you in this whole adventure, as we learn about suicide and what to do about it, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. I am Dr. Peter Malinoski,, passionate Catholic first and clinical psychologist as well, and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast. Thank you for being here with me. Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com
1. This is the fifth in our series on Suicide.
  1. In episode 76, we got into what the secular experts have to say about suicide.
2. 1. In episode 77, we reviewed the suicides in Sacred Scripture, in the Bible.
3. 1. In episode 78, we sought to really understand the phenomenological worlds of those who kill themselves -- what happens inside? How can we understand suicidal behaviors more clearly, dispelling myths and gripping on to the sense of desperation and the need for relief that drives so much suicidal behavior.
4. 1. And in the last episode, number 79, we took a deep dive into the devastating impact of suicide on the parents, spouses, children, siblings, and friends who were left behind.
6. Today's episode, number 80 is entitled "How to Help a Loved One Who is Suicidal."
7. We are getting into the nitty-gritty of what do you do when someone you are close to is suicidal?
8. In short, how do you love someone who is so distressed, so desperate, that they are seriously considering killing themselves?
9. First a brief caveat -- I can't, in a single podcast episode, train you to be a crisis intervention specialist. That takes dedicated training. But you know what? Most people with these suicidal levels of distress don't seek out crisis intervention specialists or therapists or counselors first. They go to the people they know. They go to the people whom they hope and believe will love them. They go to you. What you'll learn today is for your own information, to help you understand what's going on and how best to act as a first responder and a bridge to long-lasting help that can heal.
Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum tamquam teipsum. Inflection of dīligō (second-person singular future active indicative) The second great commandment. Love your neighbor as yourself. Diliges proximum tuum. Love is a verb, an action. So what if our neighbor is the teenager from our lead in today? How do we love a suicidal person? How do we love her?
1. Definition of Love -- Charity -- caritas.
  1. Benevolence -- bonae voluntatis in Latin, good will.
  2. Capacity
    1. Understanding the other
      1. Operating in the mode of the receiver
    2. 1. Dependent on us understanding ourselves
    3. 1. Mistaking what is coming from who
    4. 1. Unconsciousx
  3. 1. Capacity to choose the good -- Freedom.
      1. Well-governed self
        
        Regulated
      2. Organized
      3. Calm. Compassionate
      4. Good human formation
  4. 1. Possessing virtues
  5. 1. Possessing the knowledge and expertise in a situation.
  7. Constancy.
    1. Need peace and interior integration'
    2. Being vs. doing.
  8. CCC 1829 The fruits of charity are joy, peace, and mercy.
1. Loving all their parts
  1. Definition of parts
    1. Suicidal distress makes so much more sense if we understand each person not as a uniform, monolithic, homogenous, single personality, but rather as a dynamic system including a core self and parts. That helps to explain so much, including shifts over time.
  2. 1. Definition of Parts: Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view. Each part also has an image of God and also its own approach to sexuality. Robert Falconer calls them insiders. You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.
      1. Not just transient mood states, but whole constellations of all these aspects.
    2. Unintegrated parts are not focused on loving others
    3. Unintegrated parts can be exiled
    4. Parts often have very different attitudes toward suicide.
1. Blending
  1. What is the key word here? Blending.