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Huberman Lab
Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term
Nov 29, 2021
02:10:04
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Quick takeaways
- Men and women have different motives for committing infidelity, with men seeking sexual variety and women seeking emotional connection or a better mate.
- Financial infidelity is common and can lead to strain and trust issues in relationships.
- Mate selection involves conscious and unconscious elements, with physical appearance being more important for men in short-term mating contexts.
- Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves adaptive functions in relationships and can lead to intimate partner violence, which tends to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies.
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Main Ideas/Key Points/Insights 1
Men and women have different motives for committing infidelity. Men seek sexual variety, while women who cheat are more likely to be unhappy in their current relationship and looking for emotional connection or a better mate.
Main Ideas/Key Points/Insights 2
Women tend to have affairs with one person and become emotionally involved, whereas men have affairs with a larger number of partners. Women prioritizing emotional connection suggests a mate-switching hypothesis as the motive for their infidelity.
Main Ideas/Key Points/Insights 3
Financial infidelity is also common, with both men and women keeping secret bank accounts or diverting pooled resources without their partner's knowledge. Financial infidelity can cause strain and trust issues in relationships.
Main Ideas/Key Points/Insights 4
Preferences for long-term mates include qualities such as intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction, love, good health, dependability, stability, and social status. Physical appearance is more important for men in mate selection, particularly in short-term mating contexts.
The Complexity of Mate Selection
Human mate selection involves conscious and unconscious elements. Individuals may not be fully aware of their own preferences and the adaptive logic behind them. For example, people may find certain physical attributes attractive without understanding the evolutionary reasons behind it, such as low waist-hip ratio indicating fertility. The concept of status is also interconnected with mating success, as higher status individuals have access to a wider pool of potential mates. There is a reciprocal link between status and mating. Overall, mate selection is a complex process influenced by various factors, including physical attractiveness, status, and unconscious evolutionary motivations.
The Importance of Jealousy in Relationships
Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves adaptive functions in relationships. It helps to maintain investment and prevent defection in long-term pair bonds. Jealousy can be triggered by threats to the relationship, such as cues to infidelity or mate value discrepancies. Mate value discrepancies, like differences in attractiveness or resources, can activate jealousy even when there are no immediate threats. People use different tactics to cope with jealousy, ranging from increased vigilance to violence. Jealousy can lead to intimate partner violence, which tends to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies. Its expression can vary between genders, but both men and women can experience and engage in jealousy.
The Dark Triad and Sexual Deception
The Dark Triad consists of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy, and individuals high in these traits can engage in sexual deception, harassment, and assault. Narcissistic individuals may overestimate their own mate value, while Machiavellian individuals manipulate others for personal gain. Psychopathy is associated with a lack of empathy and a higher likelihood of engaging in sexual violence. Understanding the Dark Triad traits can shed light on some of the darker aspects of human mating behavior. However, it is important to note that not all individuals high in these traits exhibit harmful behaviors.
Unconventional Relationships and Deception
Unconventional relationships, such as polyamory, can challenge traditional notions of mate selection and sexual exclusivity. These relationships involve negotiating and navigating different desires, motivations, and boundaries. Mate value, emotional connections, and sexual variety play important roles in these relationships. People in unconventional relationships may engage in self-deception to enhance their ability to deceive others effectively. The dynamics of these relationships are complex and varied, and individual preferences and agreements can differ significantly.
In this episode, my guest is Dr. David Buss, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, and one of the founding members of the field of evolutionary psychology.
Dr. Buss describes his work on how people select mates for short and long-term relationships, the dynamics of human courtship, and mate value assessment — meaning how people measure up as potential partners. We also discuss the causes of infidelity and differences for infidelity in men and women. He explains how people evaluate and try to alter other people’s mate value as a means to secure and even poach mates. We discuss monogamous and non-monogamous relationships in humans. And we discuss what Dr. Buss calls “the dark triad” — features common in stalkers and narcissists that relate to sexual and psychological violence in relationships.
This episode is sure to be of interest to anyone single or in a relationship who seeks to know how people select mates and anyone who is interested in forming and maintaining healthy romantic partnerships.
Read the full show notes for this episode at hubermanlab.com.
Thank you to our sponsors
AG1: https://athleticgreens.com/huberman
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Waking Up: https://wakingup.com/huberman
Momentous: https://livemomentous.com/huberman
Timestamps
00:00:00 Introducing Dr. David Buss
00:04:27 Sponsors: AG1, LMNT & Waking Up
00:08:33 Choosing a Mate
00:13:40 Long Term Mates: Universal Desires
00:18:31 What Women & Men Seek in Long-Term Mates
00:25:10 Age Differences & Mating History
00:32:20 Deception in Courtship
00:37:30 Emotional Stability
00:38:40 Lying About Long-Term Interest
00:41:56 Short-Term Mating Criteria, Sliding Standards & Context Effects
00:46:25 Sexual Infidelity: Variety Seeking & (Un)happiness & Mate Switching
00:54:25 Genetic Cuckolds, How Ovulation Impacts Mate Preference
00:57:00 Long-Term vs. Short-Term Cheating, Concealment
00:59:15 Emotional & Financial Infidelity
01:04:35 Contraception
01:06:22 Status & Mating Success
01:10:10 Jealousy, Mate Value Discrepancies, Vigilance, Violence
01:24:13 Specificity of Intimate Partner Violence
01:25:12 Mate Retention Tactics: Denigration, Guilt, Etc.
01:27:33 Narcissism, Machiavellianism, Psychopathy
01:33:25 Stalking
01:39:15 Influence of Children on Mate Value Assessments
01:43:24 Attachment Styles, Mate Choice & Infidelity
01:46:40 Non-Monogamy, Unconventional Relationships
01:54:00 Mate Value Self Evaluation, Anxiety About the Truth
02:02:12 Self Deception
02:05:35 The Future of Evolutionary Psychology & Neuroscience
02:06:56 Books: When Men Behave Badly, The Evolution of Desire, Textbooks
02:10:42 Concluding Statements, Zero-Cost Support: Subscribe, Sponsors, Supplements
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