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The Tim Ferriss Show
#434: Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More
May 18, 2020
02:33:51
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Quick takeaways
- Accepting and understanding our feelings leads to personal growth and deeper connections in relationships.
- Blaming limits learning and growth, while accepting ourselves and others fosters personal accountability and transformative change.
- Radical responsibility involves accepting our role and accountability without blame, leading to a high-learning state and innovative solutions.
- Peace and personal growth are found through acceptance of ourselves and our emotions, creating space for meaningful change.
- Shifting from victimhood to personal responsibility allows us to become creators of our own experiences and shape our realities.
Deep dives
Accepting and Being Present with Feelings
One of the powerful tools I learned from conscious leadership experts is how to be present with and accept feelings in a productive way. This involves identifying the feeling and its sensations in the body, allowing and giving attention to the sensations, and understanding what the feeling is trying to show us. By accepting ourselves for being reactive or scared, we can release the trapped energy of the feelings and gain emotional intelligence. This shift from blame to acceptance leads to personal growth and deeper connection in relationships.
Acceptance versus Blame
The conscious leadership approach highlights the importance of accepting oneself and others instead of blaming them. Blame is a contracted and fault-finding energy that limits our ability to learn and grow. Acceptance, on the other hand, creates a shift to a high-learning state. It involves taking responsibility for our own learning, understanding that situations are opportunities for growth, and reframing blame as a chance to understand ourselves and others better. Acceptance moves us away from being right and opens up new possibilities for personal accountability and transformative change.
Radical Responsibility and Personal Accountability
Taking radical responsibility means accepting our own role and accountability in situations without blaming ourselves or others. It is about shifting from blame-focused thinking to a mindset of growth and learning. By focusing on personal accountability, we create an opportunity to understand our participation in dynamics and learn from them. This approach fosters a high-learning state and empowers us to find innovative solutions to challenges. Radical responsibility helps us evolve from a blame-driven perspective to a growth-oriented mindset that catalyzes positive change.
Shifting from Understanding to Acceptance
One important insight in the conscious leadership framework is that peace is found through acceptance, not only understanding. Shifting our focus from blame and self-blame to acceptance enables us to find peace and creates the space for personal growth. Acceptance doesn't mean complacency or inaction, but rather allowing ourselves to fully experience our emotions and embracing the learning opportunities they present. By accepting ourselves and our emotions, we open up the potential for growth, transformation, and meaningful change.
Reflecting on Dissatisfaction Leading to Change
Over time, dissatisfaction grew within the speaker, as the pursuit of peace and authentic relationships remained unfulfilled. The realization that Christianity had become more focused on being good and big rather than being free and loving added to the dissatisfaction. The vision for peace and authentic relationships, coupled with the pain and depression experienced, created a powerful propulsion for change. This led to a conversation with a friend and church leader, where the speaker expressed that while they acknowledged the truth of their beliefs, they found them ineffective. A pivotal moment came with the recognition that what truly mattered was the ability to feel, rather than the debate about the existence of one or many gods.
The Change Formula: Vision and Dissatisfaction
The speaker introduces the change formula, which states that in order to produce lasting change, vision multiplied by dissatisfaction must be greater than the resistance to change. The vision for peace and authentic relationships, along with the increasing dissatisfaction, became a driving force for transformation. This multiplier effect propelled the speaker to seek a different path, as they felt a misalignment between their beliefs and the effectiveness of their way of life.
The Multifaceted Process of Quitting
The decision to quit was not a sudden event, but a culmination of years of dissatisfaction and pain. The speaker went through a period of intense internal struggle, experiencing depression and shame. The profound shift in perspective, captured by David Whyte's poem, 'Self-Portrait,' where the focus shifted from theological debates to the importance of being able to feel, played a significant role in the decision to quit. By acknowledging their dissatisfaction and the ineffectiveness of their beliefs, the speaker chose to embark on a different path in pursuit of peace and authentic relationships.
Shift in Perception and Personal Responsibility
The podcast explores the concept of shifting from being at the effect of external circumstances to taking personal responsibility and becoming the creator of one's own experience. The speaker uses the analogy of surfing to illustrate this shift, explaining that when beginners start, they are at the mercy of the waves and the board, but as they learn the principles and gain experience, they can tap into a state where surfing happens through them. This shift in perception applies not only to surfing but also to other situations in life, where individuals can move from feeling victimized or powerless to realizing their role as active participants in shaping their own realities.
The Descent to the Ashes and Rebuilding a Life
The podcast delves into a personal story of the speaker's descent to the ashes, which refers to a period of intense difficulty and transformation. The speaker shares that after leaving a successful ministerial career and experiencing the dissolution of a relationship, he found himself living in his office with little money and facing public disavowal. This challenging period ultimately led to a journey of self-discovery and rebuilding a life aligned with his true self. The speaker emphasizes the importance of authenticity, making peace with past mistakes and secrets, and being willing to risk and reconfigure one's life in order to create a more congruent and empowered existence.
20.
I'm Not Going to Take Responsibility for My Happiness, You're Not Going to Take It for Yours
6min
27.
Surfing - I'm a Surfer, I've Got a Passion for It, and It's Happening Through Me
6min
Jim Dethmer — How to Shift from Victim Consciousness, Reduce Drama, Practice Candor, Be Fully Alive, and More | Brought to you by LMNT and "5-Bullet Friday"
"So many of us destroy our aliveness through pretending. I wasn't going to pretend." — Jim Dethmer
Jim Dethmer is one of the world’s leading voices on conscious leadership. He is a co-founder at Conscious Leadership Group; co-author of the #1 best-selling book on conscious leadership, The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership; an international speaker, and has advised hundreds of CEOs and their teams to eliminate drama and build trust.
Top hedge-fund managers, heads of major hospital systems, tech leaders, elite thought-leaders, and YPO chapters and forums rely on Jim’s wisdom and guidance to become highly self-aware and create conscious cultures. Currently, Jim’s focus is on working with the most devoted conscious leaders, with a particular interest in those leading underserved populations, and training the next generation of Conscious Leadership coaches.
Visit conscious.is/tim for a list of free resources on the topics discussed in this episode and to sign up for a free webinar from Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman.
Please enjoy!
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Past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren Aronofsky, and many more.
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