Ep 178: Can Your Teen Confide in You?

Zach Westerbeck, author of You're Not Alone, joins us this week to talk about how mental illness manifests in teens. He also shines a light on what we can do to help a teen that’s struggling with anxiety or depression.

Full show notes

Caring for teens with anxiety and depression can be incredibly difficult. No teen is the same, and living with mental illness is different for every family. Because these disorders are so stigmatized in our society, we rarely talk about them–making them even harder to spot, diagnose and treat. Some days it might feel like there’s nothing you can do to help your teen feel better…and that’s not a good feeling!

No matter how hard it may seem, however, you’re not alone. Plenty of people are going through the same thing–probably more than you think! And by talking to professionals, you can discover some tried-and-true ways to help your teen get a hold on their mental health. 

Today we’re sitting down with Zach Westerbeck, author of You're Not Alone: The Only Book You'll Ever Need to Overcome Anxiety and Depression. In his post-college years, Zach found himself fighting some serious mental health battles. Although he tried to shove these feelings down, they only grew, culminating in suicidal thoughts. When he reached rock bottom, he called the only people he felt could help him–his parents. This set him on the road to recovery! Now, he’s talking to parents and teens all over the globe to help us understand how we can cultivate a better culture around these disorders to save lives.

In this week’s episode, Zach and I are discussing what he calls a “vicious thought vortex” to help parents understand what depressed or anxious teens might be going through. We’re talking about some small steps teens can take to get a handle on anxiety, plus sharing how you can make your home a safe space for teens to express their true feelings.

When Thoughts Feel Threatening

In our interview, Zach dives into his own story, sharing his personal struggle with mental illness and the negative thoughts he battled with. He explains that he often felt overwhelmed by the anxious feeling of fight or flight, even when he wasn’t confronted with a threat. The world suddenly became much less colorful and exciting, instead looking washed over and gray. It got to a point where he felt he’d lost control of his thoughts.

For teens struggling with depression and anxiety, feelings like these can be pretty typical. Although we may think it’s easy to deflect these ideas, they tend to be pretty stubborn in young minds. Zach describes something that he calls a “vicious thought vortex.” When teens try to deflect these troubling thoughts, they often just come back stronger, creating a cycle that’s difficult to escape from. Zach explains that if these teens continue to ruminate on these thoughts, the effects could be incredibly damaging.

So how can we combat this cycle of challenging thoughts?  Zach explains that it starts with teens distancing themselves from these dark ideas.  When teens realize destructive and harmful thoughts aren’t a part of who they are, these ideas lose power. Over time, the cycle can fade away, and teens will likely feel better! In the episode, Zach and I dive deeper into this cycle and the steps teens can take to end it.

For some teens, these darker thoughts don’t surface–some just struggle with anxiety about everyday life. Whether it stems from socializing, school, or the football team, there’s a lot to be anxious about!  Zach’s giving us some tips to help relieve teens’ anxiety.

Aiding an Anxious Teen

Teens might be anxious about all sorts of things: driving for the first time, high school cliques, figuring out college and their future career–the list goes on. For some teens, these events cause mild nervousness that goes away with time. For others, these things can be intense, terrifying notions that keep them awake at night. It can be hard to help teens who harbor lots of anxiety, but Zach’s sharing some ways we can ease their worries.

Some teens exhibit avoidant tendencies, and simply stay away from things that make them nervous. A teen with social anxiety might not approach other students at school to try and initiate friendship, or might even beg you to skip school altogether! Zach recommends that teens start small. Is there another quiet person in class they could sit next to tomorrow? And the day after that, try saying hi? Maybe there’s a club they could sit in on, even if they aren’t ready to speak up in front of everyone yet.

Zach warns against the dangers of letting kids remain avoidant. Too many kids are sheltered these days, he says, and can’t transition into the world properly as an adult. Helping teens push through their anxiety incrementally can be critical to helping them grow. He suggests exposing them to uncertainty–not in overwhelming amounts, but just enough to help them feel confident encountering new things. When they face their fears, they often realize they had nothing to be afraid of in the first place.

But what if a teen never clues us into their mental health battle? Zach explains that many people, teenage or otherwise, think that they can’t talk about what they’re feeling. In the episode, we’re explaining how you can create a safe space in your home for kids to speak up when they’re struggling.

Making Space for Mental Health

Even when Zach was at his lowest, he felt as though he couldn't talk to anyone about what he was feeling. He thought he might be considered weak for sharing his struggles with suicidal thoughts, or that no one would be able to understand. When he finally decided to open up to his parents about the situation, he found that he wasn’t alone. He was encouraged to get help, and started the journey to getting better. If he’d been raised in a time and place where discussing mental health was normalized, he may not have gotten to such a dark place to begin with!

That’s why creating a space where teens can express their thoughts and feelings can be incredibly impactful.  But how can we do this? Zach explains that we can start by being vulnerable ourselves. One of the worst things parents can do, says Zach, is act as though they’re perfect. If parents can talk to kids about what’s going awry in their lives, kids feel more comfortable joining in on the conversation and sharing their own troubles, Zach says.

But aren’t parents supposed to be strong? Shouldn’t parents hide their weaknesses so that they appear stable to kids? Zach explained in the episode that there is often a lot more strength in being vulnerable than there is in pretending everything is fine. Zach encourages us not only to admit to kids when something’s wrong in our own life, but to repeatedly check in with our teens. Encouraging them to talk about their feelings might be a small effort, but it can have a huge impact.

In the Episode…

It’s so important to talk about anxiety and depression, and I’m so glad we could bring Zach on to discuss mental health this week. In additions to the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

• Why we shouldn’t tie happiness to success
• How emotions behave like water in a kettle
• Why you shouldn’t pressure teens to find their purpose
• How teens can find the right therapist

If you want to find more of Zach’s work, yo...