Ep 173: When to Hand Over Control

Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat, gives us pointers on how and when to let go of the urge to control our teens. Plus, he shares what we can do to stay cool when teens press our buttons.

Full show notes

It can be alarming when  teens are suddenly staying out late, dating, and getting behind the wheel. It’s easy to see them as the tiny toddler they once were, when barely able to even walk! Watching them grow from little kids to young adults means that we have to relinquish control and give them more and more independence….which is no simple task. We want to protect them, shelter them and guide their every move to make sure they don’t go astray, but maybe this isn’t the best way to prepare them to take on life in the real world!

This week’s episode is about taking the backseat as a parent. Even when we want to run out the door and stop our teen from going out in that outfit, or watch over them until they finish every problem on their physics homework, sometimes it’s wise to step back and let them go at it on their own. Even though teens might mess up, make mistakes and have regrets, a little bit of independence can be an important preparation for the wild ride of adulthood they’ll face up ahead. 

We’re sitting down with Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat: How to Create Extraordinary Opportunities by Handing Over Control. After 25 years serving in the United Kingdom’s Royal Air Force, Peter became a leadership expert, helping companies all around the globe for nearly 14 years. Plus, he’s a father of two! Peter pours his knowledge about service, business, and teamwork into a parenting context this week to help us see how we can run our homes with integrity and purpose.

Peter and I are discussing the difference between taking a position and taking a stand–and why this is a crucial distinction parents need to make. Plus, we’re talking about authenticity and integrity, and explaining how you can finally get your teen to put their dirty laundry in the hamper! 

How Parents Can Take a Stand

When our teens decide they want a nose piercing or to stay out until four AM,  our first reaction is usually to firmly declare “that’s not allowed!” This leads the two of you to argue. Your teen slams the door in your face, and you have the same fight over and over until there’s nothing left to do but give in or give up. But according to Peter, there’s a better way. Instead of taking a position, he says we need to take a stand.

You may think those sound like the exact same thing, but Peter explains that they actually couldn't be more different. A position is a strong reaction to the situation at hand, and usually sparks a counterposition. You take the position that your teen can’t vape, they take the position that they can do whatever they want! But a stand goes deeper than just a position. It requires you to look at what you truly care about, and what’s important to you. Instead of just taking the position that your teen shouldn't vape, Peter says we should take a stand for your teens health and wellness.

This shows teens that your attitude isn’t just about disagreeing with them, it’s about looking out for them. It might take a little extra effort not to throw a “because I said so” their way, but it’s worth it, says Peter. Teens respond much better when they feel like they’re being considered, not just told what to do. 

Similarly, it helps to come into these conflicts with a level head.  In the episode, Peter and I talk about the difference between an emotional reaction and a logical response, and how responding to a tricky situation with intention makes a world of difference.

Authenticity vs. Integrity

We care about our kids more than anything…which is why we can get frustrated, angry or upset when we feel like they aren’t listening. But Peter recommends we let our brain process our emotions before we enter into a loaded discussion with teens, or anticipate how we’ll feel and prepare so that we don’t blow up in their faces. As Peter says in the episode, we want to make sure our response comes from a place of love, not from a place of fear.

Peter explains that this is the difference between authenticity and integrity. Although people often tell us to “be authentic”,  Peter believes this is an oversimplification of parenting, or any kind of leadership. While it’s good to be honest and vulnerable, Peter says that we can’t just unleash whatever kind of “authentic” behavior we might feel inclined to perform. Instead, he suggests living with integrity, and putting a filter over our natural behavior to make sure we’re acting as role models. Thoughtful, intentional parenting is more impactful than just unfiltered behavior, says Peter.

Of course, this is always much easier said than done. That’s why Peter and I take time to discuss the possibility of messing up in this week’s episode. Peter speaks to the importance of humble confidence, being able to admit to your teen that you may have blown things out of proportion. Asking for forgiveness not only strengthens bonds with teens, it also models humility! Watching you take responsibility for your lip ups can show teens that they’re capable of doing the same.

Beyond just staying calm and taking a stand, Peter and I are discussing other ways we can get through to teens. Specifically, we’re talking about the importance of community and belonging.

Inspiring Responsibility in Teens

It can be hard to motivate teens to take their responsibilities seriously. Luckily, Peter has some tips! In our interview, we talk about how tricky it is to get teens to put their dirty laundry away. But if they’re going out with their friends on Saturday night and want their favorite shirt to get washed, it's sure to be in the basket! Peter explains that teens are spurred on by social pressure, by the need to fit in and belong. And although this can definitely work against you as a parent, you can also make it work in your favor!

Teens’ need to belong beyond just their peers. Reminding teens that they belong in your family too might just encourage them to be more responsible, says Peter. Teens are annoyed when you ask them to take out the dishwasher...but if you remind them that it’s for the communal good of the family and emphasize the important role they play in the household, they might be more likely to follow through, As Peter emphasizes in the episode, we take responsibility for what we care about and what we commit to.

Peter has some interesting takes on the idea of commitment, which we discussed this week. As Peter explains in our interview, commitment is not just something you pledge to others, but to yourself.  If teens really want to commit to getting an A in chemistry or make the soccer team, it won’t be because you told them to. It will come because they motivated themselves! Helping teens realize this can bring them to think critically about what they really want to commit to, and where they want to direct their efforts.

In the Episode…

It was so great to talk with Peter about how we can incorporate principles of strong leadership into our families. On top of the topics discussed above, we also cover:

• Why it’s critical for parents to be consistent
• How to maintain our values through hardship
• ...