132: The 4 Male Archetypes That Guide Our Relationships | David Coates

Nov 4, 2025

Join psychotherapist David Coates, author of "Be Less Dickish," as he delves into the intricacies of men's relational patterns through Internal Family Systems. David explains the chaotic mind as a family of parts and how unblending them can transform relationships. He outlines four male archetypes—asshole, pussy, douchebag, and dick—shedding light on their protective mechanisms. Learn why understanding these dynamics is crucial to maintaining personal sovereignty and fostering healthier connections.

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INSIGHT

Mind As An Internal Family

Internal Family Systems (IFS) frames the mind as a family of parts that create internal alliances and conflicts.
Unblending from a triggered part restores distance and reduces suffering by allowing presence to soothe parts.

ADVICE

Unblend To Regain Presence

Unblend: notice "that is a part of me" to gain distance from a reactive part.
Use presence to hold parts so intense protectors can relax and reveal vulnerable exiles.

INSIGHT

No Bad Parts — Even Suicidal Voices

In IFS there are no "bad parts" because each protector has a positive intention to keep vulnerability safe.
Meeting even suicidal thoughts with curiosity reveals their protective logic and opens healing options.

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Learn more about Kelly's Relaxed Woman System here.

To dive deeper, listen to Reclamation Radio episode Unmasking the Narcissist and How to stop being controlled by Ego.

Even the darkest voice in your head is trying to help.

In this episode, I sit down with psychotherapist David Coates, trained in Internal Family Systems, to explore parts work with men. Together we trace how the mind operates like a family system of parts, and how those parts show up in relationships when they’re driving the bus. We also map the four extreme male strategies David has observed across years of clinical work and what shifts when they’re seen clearly.

The problem is simple to name and hard to live with: when I blend with a part, it runs the show and pulls the relationship to the perimeter. The move is to unblend, get curious, and stay centered while refusing the bait.

You’ll Learn:

[00:00] Introduction

[04:17] Why Internal Family Systems can finally make sense of your chaotic mind

[06:01] How regulating your inner world stops the suffering loop you keep replaying outside yourself

[08:12] The radical reason there are no “bad parts” because even suicidal thoughts have a protective logic

[10:02] What happens when a therapist meets every part with zero agenda or judgment

[14:55] The real patterns behind “toxic masculinity” and why labeling men as narcissists misses the point

[20:46] How to recognize when you’re getting pulled into someone else’s chaos, and hold your own center

[26:15] Why your partner’s most frustrating traits might just be old survival strategies

[37:54] How reconnecting with exiled “little-boy” parts unlocks lost power and presence

[51:15] What true healing looks like when an identity built on defense finally collapses

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Find more from Dr. David Coates:

David’s Book: Be Less Dickish

Instagram: @belessdickish

Facebook: Be Less Dickish

Website: davidcoates.world

Find more from Kelly:

Instagram: @kellybroganmd

Website: kellybroganmd.com

Join Kelly's monthly membership, Vital Life Project here.

Get Kelly’s new book The Reclaimed Woman here.