The Validation Trap in Leadership

This is a rebroadcast. The episode originally ran in February 2020. Tony Overbay is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certified Mindful Habit Coach, and the host of two award-winning mental health podcasts, “The Virtual Couch” and “Waking Up to Narcissism.” Tony also co-hosts “Love, ADHD” with author Julie Lee, where they share their experiences of receiving ADHD diagnosis as adults, and Tony co-hosts two additional podcasts, “The Mind, The Mirror, and Me,” with his daughter Mackie, and “Murder on the Couch,” a true-crime meets therapy podcast with his daughter Sydney. Tony, Mackie, and Sydney offer live relationship advice weekly on TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram. He also serves on the Leading Saints Board of Therapists. Tony co-authored He’s A Porn Addict, Now What? An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions and works with individuals and couples on issues such as addiction, betrayal, navigating faith journeys, and people “waking up” to their own emotional immaturity/narcissistic traits and tendencies. He has online courses for couples communication and parenting, a soon-to-be-released course on navigating faith journeys, and is the creator of The Path Back, an online, faith-based pornography recovery program. You can find out more about any of Tony’s courses at https://tonyoverbay.com Tony is a father of four children and has been married to his high school sweetheart, Wendy, for 34 years. Before becoming a therapist, he spent a decade as a software executive and wrote a weekly humor column in a regional newspaper for nearly eight years. Tony is an avid runner, having completed over 100 marathons and ultramarathons, including a dozen races of 100 miles or more. Links TonyOverbay.com He's a Porn Addict...Now What?: An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions Clarifying Values PDF, from The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris Share your thoughts in the Leading Saints community Transcript coming soon Get 14-day access to the Core Leader Library Highlights This episode delves into the concept of codependency within the context of Latter-day Saint culture, where it often manifests as the "nice guy syndrome." Kurt shares his personal experiences as a bishop, highlighting how his own struggles with codependency and the pressure to maintain a perfect image affected his leadership. Tony defines codependency as an excessive emotional reliance on others for self-worth, often leading individuals to prioritize others' needs over their own. The conversation emphasizes the importance of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which encourages individuals to accept their feelings and thoughts rather than avoid them. By focusing on personal values rather than identity, leaders can navigate their roles more effectively without succumbing to shame or self-doubt. The episode also touches on the significance of being present and acting according to one's values, rather than getting caught up in the pressures of perfectionism. 4:01 - Understanding Codependency 5:04 - The Nice Guy Syndrome 5:50 - Personal Struggles with Codependency 6:39 - Tony Overbay's Background 8:09 - The Role of External Validation 9:25 - Defining Codependency 10:52 - Codependency in Religious Contexts 11:42 - The Impact of Codependency on Self-Worth 13:00 - The Role of the Partner in Addiction Recovery 14:08 - The Role of External Validation 14:14 - The Importance of Individual Recovery 15:04 - The Connection Between Trauma and Codependency 16:22 - Addressing Codependency in Leadership 19:10 - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Overview 20:49 - The Importance of Acceptance 22:40 - The Confidence Gap 24:18 - Values vs. Identity in Leadership 31:50 - The Bishop Monson Dynamic 36:36 - Systems vs. Goals in Personal Development 42:34 - Embracing Values in Leadership 50:32 - The Role of External Validation 01:02:47 - Truth, Beauty, and Goodness The award-winning Leading Saints Podcast is one of the to...