How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb
Huberman Lab
Recognizing Help Rejecting Complainers
This chapter explores the behavior of 'help rejecting complainers,' individuals who persistently adopt a victim mindset and shun advice. The speaker highlights the significance of recognizing this behavior to avoid the emotional drain it can cause for those trying to help.
My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.
Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.
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Timestamps
00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb
00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp
00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein
00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT
01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss
03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
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