Shame: its power and purpose

Why do we care so much about what other people think of us?

In this episode of Office Hours, I explain the science behind why concern about others’ opinions is so powerful in the first place. I talk about the two reasons we are wired to care what people think, how our brains treat social judgment as a real threat, and why this fear can quietly shape our choices, our behavior, and even our sense of self.

Once we understand what is happening in our minds and bodies, we can start to loosen its grip. I share three ways to break out of this pattern and begin caring less about other people’s opinions, not by ignoring them entirely, but by relating to them more wisely. My hope is that these ideas help you move with more freedom, show up more authentically, and live with less unnecessary fear of being judged.

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Where to find Arthur Brooks: 

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Timestamps:

(00:00) Intro

(03:20) The two reasons you care what others think about you

(13:53) BIS and BAS: why fear of judgment can keep you stuck

(19:00) The role of shame and when it turns destructive 

(23:46) Way #1: No one cares

(27:05) Way #2: Rebel against your shame

(30:42) Way #3: Don’t judge, and you will not be judged

(34:01) Recap of the 3 ways to stop caring so much about what others think of you

(35:06) Q&A: Helping someone regulate emotions during conflict

(38:53) Q&A: Adapting the morning protocol for late or irregular schedules

(40:06) Q&A: What we know about cold therapy and depression

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Referenced:

• The Meaning of Your Life: Finding Purpose in an Age of Emptiness: https://www.amazon.com/Meaning-Your-Life-Finding-Emptiness/dp/0593545427

• The Happiness Scale: https://learn.arthurbrooks.com/the-happiness-scale 

• The sociopaths among us: How to spot (and avoid) a Dark Triad: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/podcast/the-sociopaths-among-us-how-to-spot-and-avoid-a-dark-triad 

• Meditations by Marcus Aurelius: https://vreeman.com/meditations 

• Intellectual Trust in Oneself and Others: https://www.amazon.com/Intellectual-Oneself-Cambridge-Studies-Philosophy/dp/0521793

• ...References continued at: https://www.arthurbrooks.com/office-hours

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