Embracing Your Dark Side and Accepting Yourself

Ask David Bipolar, the Dark Side, Changing Behavior

We have lots of great questions today. The answers in the show notes were written prior to the podcast, and the answers in the live podcast as we discussed these questions may differ somewhat or amplify the written materials in these show notes.

We love your questions. Remember to send them to David@feelinggood.com.

Announcement: Our awesome summer intensive is returning after a long, five years due to the pandemic. It is typically the most outstanding and rewarding TEAM-CBT training of the year, and it will take place again and the wonderful South San Francisco Conference Center from August 8 – 11, 2025.

You can attend in person if you register soon, since in-person seating will be strictly limited and only a small number are still available. You can also attend the online, live-streamed version of this program at a substantial discount. The online experience and small group exercises will be similar for the in-person and online participants.

Check out the details, including early-bird discounts, at www.cbtintensive.com

www.cbtintensive.com

Hope to see you there!

Warmly, david

Today’s Questions

1. Alison asks: I have bipolar Disorder and I have had trouble challenging my negative thoughts. I’m suffering. What can I do
2. NAME WITHHELD asks: Can or should a person really and truly accept their dark side?
3. Trainor asks: In TEAM there is a strong emphasis on changing the way you think. But is it sometimes also important to change your behavior, or to make real changes in your life, or to help others who need help changing their circumstances==for example, people who are struggling in poverty.

 

1. Alison asks: I have bipolar Disorder and I have had trouble challenging my negative thoughts. I’m suffering. What can I do?

Hi David,

Many years ago I used your book to beat depressive thinking… in the last three years I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and have found my depressive thinking too difficult to budge with your book.

I’m really suffering; any ideas about what I could do?

Thank you for your service to humanity. I always recommend your book.

David’s response

Hi Alison,

A therapist could help. The new Feeling Great App could help. And tons of free resources at www.feelinggood.com.

In addition, can you please give me an example of the negative thoughts you can’t budge. Then we can point things out in the podcast and try to figure out why you’re getting stuck!

I have found that doing cognitive therapy / TEAM-CBT with individuals with Bipolar Disorder is exceptionally helpful during the depressed (not manic) phase, and works pretty much the same way as with anyone who’s feeling down.

Best, david

 

2. NAME WITHHELD asks: Can or should a person really and truly accept their dark side?

Hello David,

My name is NAME WITHHELD and I am doing my PhD degree in Neuroimmunology in LOCATION WITHHELD. I had come across your book feeling good and your podcasts by one of my therapists - they have had an immense impact on my way of thinking.

I really love disarming and using “I feel” statements to connect! I had also realized that by finding some genuine truth in a person’s belief even if it sounds ridiculous, I would automatically develop certain level of respect for that person! I really love that! I feel really happy that I can respect a person even without accepting his/her beliefs!!

I am now working on my distortions. I really love working on my mind that way.

Anyway, I have wanted to ask you if a person CAN accept his/her dark side? I seemed to have loathed myself for quite a long time and couldn’t stand living alone without a partner or a person around. I hated myself for disrespecting my mother whilst growing up.

But, sometime during Dec last year, I had had an epiphany of why things happened the way they did and somehow, I learnt that the reason why I had disrespected my mother was because my father, after their separation, kept filling my mind about how wrong my mother was for breaking up the family and I believed him because I had a good rapport with him, than I had with my mother.

Also, my mother was very awkward in building a relationship with me and I had misconstrued that with her indifference towards me. After that, I stopped hurting myself over it because I had learnt to empathize with myself then. I sobbed profusely that day.

Is it really possible to truly accept yourself? I feel at ease a lot more these days than I used to before. But I also have to battle my distortions too on a regular basis!

Please help me out here! Thank you so much for everything that you have done!! I really love your work!!

Regards,

NAME WITHHELD

David’s reply

Thanks so much. I hid your name and location, and hope that’s okay, and we WILL include your excellent question on our upcoming podcast. My brief reply is that all human beings have a “dark side,” and that we are far better off accepting it, as opposed to denying it and seeing ourselves as “totally good,” because then we might see others as “totally bad,” and feel morally superior. This dynamic is the cause of wars and a great deal pf hatred and suffering.

 

3. Trainor asks: In TEAM there is a strong emphasis on changing the way you think. But is it sometimes also important to change your behavior, or to make real changes in your life, or to help others who need help changing their circumstances--for example, people who are struggling in poverty.

Hey David!

I have asked several questions over the years (I asked about A.I. which I much enjoyed the episode on that!), so feel free to ignore this email if you feel I've overburdened you guys.

Anyway, I had a question about changing thoughts versus circumstances.

You often say that our thoughts create all of our emotional and interpersonal realities. I thought maybe a better or more nuanced definition would be to also mention that events CAN change our feelings but they do so through changing our thoughts.

I have heard Matt May mention this idea in some circumstances as the "low road to recovery." Where you actually get the thing you think you need and as a result feel better.

However, I thought about certain situations where changing the circumstance could also be a valid solution to an individual's problems. Take someone living in poverty, I am certain that CBT could help this person change their emotions around the experience of living in poverty. But would bringing the individual out of poverty be considered a "low road to recovery"?

Or could we say that bringing someone out of poverty is also a valid way of changing their emotional distress? Like sort of how therapists use both exposure and cognitive techniques to quell phobias or certain anxieties.

I personally like this definition because it includes the ability to change your circumstances as a method to change your thinking, without it being the only method. It also makes sense in a world where people want to make changes in society (giving women the right to vote, ending child labor) and create environments that foster positive thinking.

I think so much focus on the cognition (while fundamentally true) makes it feel like people should focus exclusively on changing the way they think about a situation. When, in reality, it seems like we can both change our circumstances and thinking simultaneously to make our lives better. Anyway, just wanted to know what you thought about this idea.

Thanks for everything you do,

Trainor Peters

P.S. I have nearly completed my first year of my psychology undergrad to become a counselor. In great part to you and all the wonderful people on your podcast. So, thank you!

David’s reply.

Thanks, Trainor,

I will add this excellent question to our Ask David list, if that’s okay, and discuss with Matt and Rhonda on a podcast.

My hospital in Philadelphia was located in an inner-city neighborhood, and many (perhaps most) of our patients have very limited resources. Some were homeless, and many had not completed the 5th grade. This gave me abundant opportunities to work with people with “real” problems in addition to their distorted perceptions.

In addition, I have always emphasized that sometimes you need to change the way you behave in the “real” world in addition to changing the way you think about it.

We’ll give these topics a deeper dive on the live podcast discussion.

And, best of luck in your ongoing training! Once you are in a graduate program, you will be eligible, if interested, to join one of our two free weekly TEAM-CBT training groups, which are both virtual.

Warmly, david

Thanks for listening today!

Rhonda and David

Special Announcement Attend the legendary Summer Intensive Featuring Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt August 8 - 11. 2024 Learn Advanced TEAM-CBT skills Heal yourself, heal your patients First Intensive in 5 long years. It will knock your socks off! Limited Seating--Act Fast! Click for registration / more information!

Sadly, this workshop is a training program which will be limited to therapists and mental health professionals and graduate students in a mental health field  Apologies, but therapists have complained when non-therapists have attended our continuing education training programs. This is partly because of the intimate nature of the small group exercises and the personal work the therapists may do during the workshop. Certified coaches and counselors are welcome to attend.

But there's some good news, too! The Feeling Great App is now available in both app stores (IOS and Android) and is for therapists and the general public, and you can take a ride for free! Check it out!