The Dynamics of Emotional Regulation in Relationships

My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.

Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

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Timestamps

00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb

00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings

00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective

00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp

00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business

00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy

00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?

00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance

00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein

00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm

00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing

01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings

01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text

01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability

01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT

01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions

01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation

01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency

01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward

01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss

01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison

02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation

02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety

02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History

02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy

02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness

02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities

02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions

02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds

02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses

02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion

03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss

03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life

03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

Disclaimer & Disclosures

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