Speaker 2
Well, it's very cool. Like, few things that you mentioned, one first thing that kind of really resonated with me, that how you started experimenting with kind of like different approaches with clients. So based on my license, I cannot, I can't as much be creative with treatment because I have to follow this kind of evidence based approach that you share with me that you are also very familiar with that. But my understanding is one of the, like few of the wonderful techniques that we use these days are coming from a researchers experimenting with different things that they felt they were helpful. For example, with Sensei Fokas, which is a touch exercise that we teach clients that's masters, actually, Master Johnson was talking about how they learned it because the Johnson's mom was using kind of touch to calm her down as a kid. And she thought, Oh, that's fantastic. A strategy. Let me explore that with clients to see how would that kind of unfold, which is now as one of the most effective strategies that a sick therapist use.
Speaker 1
Yeah, this is so heavily based in mindfulness, even though Masters and Johnson didn't use that language when they first were evolving that technique. If we look at it through our lens today, you know, it's very much about being present, being mindful, entering into a conscious relationship that connects our senses to our presence of mind to our partner. And that's, I mean, it's brilliant. I think that's why it's one of the oldest techniques and that it's still so commonly taught today is because the principles that underlie it are timeless and have been practiced for thousands of years. Right.
Speaker 2
And I think we need to be creative, you know, intervention at times because if you're doing more of the same, our field will not move forward. So it's wonderful that you started with experimenting and seeing result. And now you're doing more of the thing that you thought was effective with clients. The other piece of it, when I get clients, men that they want to come into, they come into my practice because they want to learn kind of like what to do to last longer. I always ask them, what is the underlying reasons because it's also part of this. I know me and you would talked about in the past is that people have wrong expectations around the sex needs to last. What does it mean to have a longer kind of like time that you're able to maintain erection. So there are two categories as we talked about in the previous time is that there are early ejaculation. People who kind of have this early ejaculation, pre-material ejaculation. And there are people who want to last longer. So I'm kind of curious, is that something that people can do? Like for example, if they don't have early ejaculation, maybe they last, I don't know, five minutes and now they want to train themselves to last like 10 and 15 minutes. Is that something that people are able to achieve or that's something that like there is some limitations around it? Yeah,
Speaker 1
that is a great question. Actually, people who are in that category where they have some ejaculatory control. And the way that I ask people to test this, the men that come to work with me is can you control your ejaculation at all, even a little bit? Can you make yourself last a little bit longer when you are self-fluttering or masturbating? So, you know, the next time that you masturbate, if you move a little bit more slowly, if you move a little bit more gently as you're stimulating yourself, can you gain even a hint of control over how long it takes you to ejaculate? And if the answer is yes, then they absolutely can use the techniques that I have evolved and created over time to last 15, 20, an hour. They can last as long as they want, as long as they continue to utilize the practices and the process. For those men, for whom they cannot control ejaculation even when they are masturbating. So, every time that they masturbate, every time that they're with a partner, they're reaching ejaculation, usually in under a minute, sometimes as short of as like 10 or 15 seconds, they need to see. And then actually everyone should see, but especially that category of men, which is about 2% of men who identify as having premature ejaculation actually have a physiological need to go see a medical doctor and to make sure that their health is in order. There's a relationship between ejaculation and serotonin levels, and that's why sometimes MDs prescribe Cesaris to men who have low doses of anti-depressant to men who have that kind of premature ejaculation. But unfortunately, a lot of men, probably the majority who feel that they're not lasting long enough or worry that they have premature or early ejaculation, go straight to the doctor. They just assume something is wrong with my body. And obviously the doctor, you know, the physician is going to have the cure for it. And a lot of men then, they get to the doctor and they realize that the only real treatment that many physicians are able to offer to them is taking a low dose of anti-depressants that have to be able to do. And so they're going to have to be able to have a low dose of anti-depressants that has other side effects, like decreasing your overall libido. And they're really, you know, they feel frustrated and upset and rightfully so because that's not a great option. For the other 98% of men, they don't need to take a prescription drug. They're not depressed, right? And if they were able to cure their PE or move beyond, and last as long as they wanted in bed, then they wouldn't have, you know, that's the problem that they're looking to solve. And so for the 98% of men, they're able to do that. And I
Speaker 2
love that you talked about side effects. I'm not, I'm all for medication. If it's a helpful tool for people, for mood management, I know some people are very hesitant to take those, but I believe that they can be a helpful tool. But for example, if you are using it for something that you can address by using behavioral interventions and things you can implement that you can use for restful care. Use for rest of your life. That can be fantastic because with SSRI you're taking it and now it's delaying that kind of like it helps you a little bit, a bit of ejaculatory ejaculation. But also it has some side effects. And when you stop it, then you'll go back to baseline. But with some of these strategies that you're teaching or talking about, that can help people to buy themselves with using the strategies at any place, any time to be able to have the erection that they want.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And the side of it. Yes. I'm so glad that you said that because the side effects of my method are like feeling more confident, having better erections. I was just meeting with someone who had a really bad case of P, a really challenging case with premature ejaculation. I've been working together for nine months, which is way longer than I usually work with somebody. Usually somebody's in to see me over about 12 sessions, three to four months total. But we've just seen such incredible progress in this particular client. Then it's honestly inspirational. The number of things in his life that have started to come online and work better and flow more easily. And I would consider those all side effects of the methodology. He's experiencing more confidence at work. He ended a toxic relationship. He started dating. He's having sexual encounters with new women now that he is feeling confident that he can go only as far as he wants. He has new boundaries in place. He has a new story about himself. He has a new relationship to alcohol because a lot of men turn to alcohol to help them to artificially delay ejaculation. So he's able to use alcohol more consciously and healthily. And he's not just that, but I think the greatest indicator of the success that he's having and the sort of side effects of this methodology is that he's approaching sex, both with himself and partners. A thousand times more creatively than he ever has before. And that's really inspiring to me.
Speaker 2
What a wonderful story. And because sometimes when it comes to sexual challenges, because people, they don't know that treatment is available, that feel like, you know, that's who I am. And then I have to work on acceptance or I have to kind of like work around that, which I think acceptance can be a good tool if you examine all these options. If you want to sex, sex therapist, and you really gave it a good shot, most people that I see my practice, I feel they think they gave it a good shot. Maybe they read a couple books or listened to different shows, but that doesn't mean like they got the help that they need. And I know you have like courses, like you'd have your own hooching around that, but if you can share with us, maybe some of the basic techniques that people can do to help them kind of lasting longer, what would be some of those?
Speaker 1
So I like to start with the breath and the reason that I start here, there's so many benefits to just learning how to breathe correctly. The core of the breath that I teach is just breathing into the belly. So most of us were walking around all day, every day, whether that's going to work or, you know, I live in a city. So there's constantly things happening around me. There's tons of people. There's ambulances all the time. I'm kind of surprised we haven't heard when since we started recording. And so we're constantly surrounded by stress, you know, things that allude to danger, and even if we live a relatively stress-free life, we still are not taught how to breathe correctly. And so we're most of us walking around with shallow, short breaths that stay up towards the upper third of our lungs. And so when we learn how to breathe correctly, breathe into our belly, breathe all the way down as deeply into our lungs as possible, we actually change the amount of oxygen that we're able to absorb into our body and into our blood. It changes our emotional and mental state and our physical state. And I'll save the sort of like longer anatomical explanation. But the truth is when you take belly, breaths, deep, slow, steady breaths, you actually activate an entirely different nervous system that is closely associated with your genitals and with sexual pleasure. And you can actually immediately, immediately access longer times to ejaculation. So just by breathing correctly, which is sort of like sense a focus, a timeless technique by breathing correctly, you can instantly create. And, you know, I've seen men go from two minutes to five minutes immediately. I'm talking like overnight from one session to the next just by learning how to breathe appropriately. And then we build off of that. That is the core technique, whether you're alone, whether you're solo practicing or whether you have a partner, you know, tapping into and using your breath as a tool to change your physical, mental and emotional state, and to also help you to become present with what's going on in your body.
Speaker 2
That is truly very, very important tool. And I'm glad that you're talking about it and talking about the breath piece because many of the clients that I see that they struggle with kind of early ejaculation is that they have this kind of anxiety. Okay, performance anxiety or generalized anxiety. And when you're anxious, you're breathing more shallow. And that causes you to kind of lose the direction if anxiety is higher than certain amounts. So we just anchoring to the breath and making this deep breathing part of the practice. As you mentioned, that that can be a very transformative tools. And I know that tantra practitioners, they use the breath work for lasting longer. They haven't practiced tantra. But sometimes I wonder, oh, God, this person is in the educational video. They last for such a long time without that having that friction. It's a different kind of relating and I'm in sex. But I would imagine they also use the breath work.
Speaker 1
Right. And how different is that than the most standard point of advice that's given to men who have PE or early ejaculation, which is think about something else. Think about baseball. Think about your grandmother. One time someone even said to me, think about rotting meat. And I thought, Oh, gosh, I just, I just don't want my partner to think about anything other than me and the sex that we're having while we are being intimate. And I think that that technique is it's based in the idea of numbing yourself, of turning down the intensity. It's not based on the idea of building tolerance for pleasure. It's based in the idea that you cannot tolerate pleasure. And therefore you have to decrease pleasure. And I think sex is one of the most important areas that we have access to pleasure. You know, we live in a world that's full of ambulances and emergencies and bills and taxes, etc. And having a sexual connection with someone who we care about is one of the, it's one of life's greatest, most simple pleasures. And I hate to see people turning down the volume on what is essentially a free and low harm activity that they have access to where they can actually receive and give and give pleasure in such a beautiful way.
Speaker 2
And I love when you mentioned it, you know, we talked about it before that as you talked about it the first time about the rotting meat technique, I got this flash back off, flash back off. The conversation I had with lovers, I would love it with a lover 10, around 10 years ago that was a girl God, he lasts so long. And then I, and but he appeared to be preoccupied. And I asked him, Oh, like honey, what were you thinking about? Like, you know, it was due in the midst of like crash of stocks. And he said, you know, whenever I want to last longer, I think about my stock market and how it crashed. Well, this is a strategy that people use, but how horrible it is that in the midst of this wonderful moment with a partner, you have to go think about this miserable thing that you are preoccupied the rest of the day to last longer again. And I think that the moment advice that people get, and apparently it works for some people, but what an unfortunate way to kind of, you have to shift your attention when there are better ways. So tell us this longer sex is necessary
Speaker 1
a better sex. I think not. I think that if you are, you know, for a lot of men, they think that there's a time on the clock that means great sex, right? If I could just last for 10 minutes, then sex would be great or 15 or 20 sex would be great. And the truth is that the length of sex, the time on the clock is not indicative of the quality of sex, right? It's like quantity over quality. Even if you learn how to last as long as you want in bed, that's not going to necessarily make sex great, make it more connected or make you a better lover. And I think that, you know, it's easy to look at time as the magic pill, right? If I could just last, then everything else would be okay. If I could just last, then she would be having multiple orgasms. She would be having orgasms through penetration. We will be having orgasms simultaneously. You know, we'll finally have the sex that I see in romantic comedies or in porn. And that is simply not true. Now, it doesn't mean that lasting longer isn't going to give you access to all the other tools. That's the greatest thing about lasting longer is that if you're super concerned about how long you can last, then you are not going to be able to focus on the tools, the techniques, the things that actually make sex great. And I like to talk about those things last when I work with my clients because without that strong foundation of being able to last, then you, and without mentally being able to last to, like in your body and in your mind, you will not be able to utilize any of the great tools and tactics and techniques that are available. And I think that's the really challenging part is that when people think about sex tips or how to make sex great, often what they're thinking of is sort of like a limited idea of positions, right? I'm sure you get this asked to you a lot too. What are some of the positions that I could use to make sex great? And I always say, you know, there's basically takes on three different positions. They've been around for a long time. You can buy posters of them and books of them. And they're not really changing. There's only so many ways that our bodies can really get together. Everything else is just a take on those other positions. The focus on positions is sort of the focus on time. Like, if we could just figure out the one magic thing that makes sex awesome, then we would be having amazing sex. And the truth is that you do have to be able to last in order to use all of the other tools of connectivity, of pleasure, of connection, of how you move in the way that you move with a partner to bring about the maximum amount of pleasure that is available to both of you. But lasting longer itself is not going to make sex epic. You have to last and then connect with your partner and then have great communication about what works for both of you and then get really creative in the bedroom and recognize that the scripts that have been available to us via porn, via rom coms, via friends, the idea of the basis for a second, third, home run. All of this is very, very limiting and it prevents us from thinking outside of the box when it comes to sex and pleasure, when really almost all of the pleasure is existing outside of the box.
Speaker 2
Absolutely. And as one of the places that they see this, that people could challenge around if the longer sex is a better sex is my clients who are taking Viagra. Because like now with this kind of magic pill, you are able to get this kind of synthetic longer erection time and then they come in with their partners and the partner are hating it. Say like, you know, I just don't like it. It feels uncomfortable. That's not what I enjoy. So I like that you mentioned that it can give you access to doing different things or have different kinds of script, but they always ask my clients when they're coming in and say, I want to last longer. It's like, what do you want more off? At times they say, you know, I want to please my, if they are in a heterosexual relationship with my wife, my girlfriend, and they think like if they last longer, it necessarily means that the girlfriend or partner would kind of be able to achieve orgasm. But when we're talking about it with the partner, it seems like they're not sevulating the right places or they're not doing foreplay enough. So it's not a matter of like, lasting longer, but I agree with you that at times, especially with my clients that are kind of like definitely fitting in their early ejaculation, a premature ejaculation, that that's a challenge because they want to make sure that at least they are able to kind of have some elements of intercourse because that's important for them and their partner. And also the other piece of it's a confidence boost. And I know we can always say that, you know, it's not a matter of like size of the penis or how long you last, but sometimes people, these messages are so strong that they feel more confident sexually, what if they know that they are able to last longer, and they show up differently in the bedroom, even if they kind of like have this wonderful sex and within a five minutes. Yes, I
Speaker 1
guess I agree with you 100,000%. It's sort of like the relationship that we have to our body on that level of how confident we feel in our body's ability to produce the result that we're looking for is so important that it can sometimes lead to all of those other factors sort of coming in alignment. And I think about this with, I think about the placebo effect because there's all kinds of sort of home remedies out there for lasting longer and people message me all the time saying, Hey, can I use this oil? Can I take Dear Antler for as a supplement in my coffee in the morning? Will that help me to last longer? Will that help me? And I really believe that sometimes people take these or the pills that they fill up the gas station all the time and get that message on my account. And on my contact form or on my YouTube channel, someone says, Hey, about these crazy pills behind the counter of the gas station. And I think there's so many untested things. Sometimes they test, they have actual prescription drugs in them illegally. There's really a kind of wild market out there that exists just to take people that are concerned about their stamina and remove their money from them. And not usually ethically. And sometimes those pills and those powders and those potions and the Dear Antler, Velvet and all of it is really just a placebo effect that helps people to recognize that they can be confident in themselves and in their bodies. But fortunately, you don't have to eat any of those things. If you go and work one on one with somebody, you know, a coach or a therapist who can help you to sort of unravel the beliefs that you have about yourself, the beliefs that you have about sex that have gotten so taken. That have gotten so tangled up with your body's physiological ability to perform. And then you don't ever have to eat a crazy pill again because I don't mean that derogatively. A pill with mysterious ingredients or powder or anything. You know, we can actually help you to come up with a permanent solution that not only makes you last longer today because that's great. You know, a lot of the men that I work with are between the ages of 20 and 40, 50 years old. But some of the techniques that I use in my process and my method, not only do you last longer now, but you're actually setting yourself up to have great erectile strength and strong erections without the need for pills later down the road. And that I think is really, really something that we should consider in the wide number of options and the range of things that are available when you make the decision about how you're going to go about treating premature or early ejaculation.