This chapter explores the neurobiological roots of defensiveness and its impact on listening skills in conversations. It emphasizes the challenges of giving and receiving sincere apologies, highlighting how defensiveness can obstruct meaningful connections. Through personal anecdotes and role-plays, the chapter underscores the importance of understanding emotions over mere communication.
Dr. Harriet Lerner’s work has transformed my work and my life. She’s a renowned psychologist and bestselling author who has been studying apologies — and why some people won’t give them — for more than two decades. In Part 2 of our two-part series, we share from a course together on her groundbreaking book Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. We dig into the “mischief of defensiveness,” the power of listening, and the secret life of the non-apologizer. We also take on one helluva role play where you get to hear me get schooled and learn a lot and get schooled again.
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