A lot of it was experiential avoidance, and i had a really deep desire to be loved by other people. The more that i pursued that, the further away the goal lay from me in ways large and small. It became like a snowball rolling down a hill, where you just become more and more committed to a way of being. Changing is an admission of guilt, essentially. So then there was a lot of it. I thik i took exiting the situations i was in, doing a lot of personal grosstuff, going to therapy. To separate from that self identity and to just relax a little bit about right and wrong in the nature of the old.

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