Focus on your co workers underline concern or question rather than the way they're expressing themselves, you can address the actual problem. I've heard people describe dealing with passive aggressive people as shadow boxing and there's nowhere to land. So really try to focus on, rather than the noise around, the message, what's the actual message? And the message might be, i'm afraid to have conflict. The message may be, i don't think this is a good strategy, which is why i haven't done the things i said i would do.
Amy Gallo: Getting Along
Amy Gallo is an expert in conflict, communication, and workplace dynamics. She combines the latest management research with practical advice to deliver evidence-based ideas on how to improve relationships and excel at work. In her role as a contributing editor at Harvard Business Review, Amy writes about interpersonal dynamics, communicating ideas, leading and influencing people, and building your career.
Amy is co-host of HBR's Women at Work podcast and author of both the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict and Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)*.
In this conversation, Amy and I discuss one of the most common questions she receives from leaders: how do I handle a colleague who’s passive aggressive? We examine what causes this behavior, how to respond to it, and what to avoid that could worsen the relationship. Plus, we discuss the intention that leaders can bring in responding to passive-aggressive behavior that will help everybody move forward.
Key Points
Don’t use the “passive-aggressive behavior” to label someone. It rarely helps and often results in more defensiveness.
Focus on the other person’s underlying concern or question rather than how they are expressing it. Not everyone is able to discuss thoughts and feelings openly.
Consider doing hypothesis testing to determine what’s next. Language like, “Here’s the story I’m telling myself…” can help everyone move forward without assigning blame.
When making a direct request, stick to the facts. Review past behavior like you’re a referee vs. a fan.
Artificial harmony is a danger spot for teams and leaders. Setting norms can help to reduce passive-aggressive behavior.
Resources Mentioned
Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)* by Amy Gallo
Interview Notes
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