The Art of Relationships with Adult Children – Francine Toder, PhD
The Retirement Wisdom Podcast
What adult children want and don't want from parents
Joe asks what adult kids need; Francine outlines boundaries, why old parenting tactics fail, and what adult children value.
Parenting doesn’t end when your kids grow up — it just changes. And for many, that shift can be confusing, frustrating, and even painful. How do you move from being the authority to being a supportive “peer”? And what do you do when your hopes for your adult children don’t align with who they’ve become? Today, we’re joined by Dr. Francine Toder, a clinical psychologist to discuss her new book Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0 – With Strategies for Moving On. Drawing on decades of research, therapy, and her own lived experience, Dr. Toder shares practical wisdom on how to navigate this often-overlooked stage of family life. You’ll learn how to let go, listen with empathy, and focus on your own growth while building stronger, healthier relationships with your adult kids — and perhaps, rediscovering yourself in the process.
Francine Toder joins us from California.
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Bio
Francine Toder, Ph.D. is an emeritus faculty member of California State University, Sacramento and is a clinical psychologist retired from private practice. She is the author of 5 books. Her newest book is Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0. Her extensive writing on diverse topics appears in magazines, professional journals, newspapers, blog sites and as edited book chapters. She resides in the San Francisco Bay area where she tries to practice the cello daily.
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For More on Francine Toder
Your Kids are Grown: Parenting 2.0.
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Previous Podcast Conversations with Francine Toder
The Vintage Years – Dr. Francine Toder
Inward Traveler – Francine Toder PhD
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Podcast Conversations You May Like
How to Reconnect with an Estranged Adult Child – Tina Gilbertson
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Mentioned in This Podcast Episode
How Did the Latchkey Kids of Gen X Become the Helicopter Parents of Gen Z? by David French
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About The Retirement Wisdom Podcast
There are many podcasts on retirement, often hosted by financial advisors with their own financial motives, that cover the money side of the street. This podcast is different. You’ll get smarter about the investment decisions you’ll make about the most important asset you’ll have in retirement: your time.
About Retirement Wisdom
I help people who are retiring, but aren’t quite done yet, discover what’s next and build their custom version of their next life. A meaningful retirement doesn’t just happen by accident.
Schedule a call today to discuss how the Designing Your Life process created by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans can help you make your life in retirement a great one — on your own terms.
About Your Podcast Host
Joe Casey is an executive coach who helps people design their next life after their primary career and create their version of The Multipurpose Retirement.™ He created his own next chapter after a 26-year career at Merrill Lynch, where he was Senior Vice President and Head of HR for Global Markets & Investment Banking.
Joe has earned Master’s degrees from the University of Southern California in Gerontology (at age 60), the University of Pennsylvania, and Middlesex University (UK), a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, and his coaching certification from Columbia University.
In addition to his work with clients, Joe hosts The Retirement Wisdom Podcast, ranked in the top 1% globally in popularity by Listen Notes, with over 1.6 million downloads. Business Insider recognized Joe as one of 23 innovative coaches who are making a difference. He’s the author of Win the Retirement Game: How to Outsmart the 9 Forces Trying to Steal Your Joy.
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Wise Quotes
On Leveraging Curiosity
“…when you step back and realize that that other person or those other persons are not you and you are curious about learning about them, then that becomes positive. I think when you try to equalize power, you know, when your kids are really young, when they’re under 18 or 21, you have all the power legally, socially, everyone expects that. And then to suddenly switch off and recognize this human as an independent person with their own ideas, thoughts, values, wishes, plans, it’s pretty tough. And so one of the goals is to equalize power and to realize that advice offered by one adult to another. is acceptable but needs to be two-way. Give help only if it’s invited. This is probably the hardest thing that parents, whether you’re parenting a newly empty nest child or you’re parenting a, you know, a 35 or a 50-year-old child.”
On What Adult Children Want
“Let’s start with what they don’t want. What was effective before won’t work now. Role modeling, which is effective with children, is experienced as patronizing. Rewarding positive behavior is interpreted as demeaning. Providing guidance is seen as meddling. So you can’t do that. Limit setting is irrelevant. You can’t do that with adult children. You can do that with kids and it’s really hard to let go of that. If you’re supporting them and they’re, they’re still in college or they’re in their 20s, but they’re kind of floundering financially. You may feel like you have power, but if you do that, you’re going to alienate them. You have to be able to negotiate with them. The teacher-learner model is obsolete. So it has to be a new model. And there’s really much to learn from our adult kids, if we step out of our parent as teacher role.”
On What Matters Most
“Listening. Adult kids want you to hear them but not to problem solve for them. So in conversation with them, listen more than 50 percent of the time. It doesn’t mean listening where you’re listening for a break in what they’re saying, so you can jump in and rehearse in the meantime what you are wanting to say because that won’t work. Because they’re adults, they have their own ideas about things. Be more curious and have more wonder than advice-giving. Be open to hearing about who they are because they may have very different ideas than you, and they may have merit.You don’t have to see the world exactly like they do. You haven’t failed if they don’t mirror you exactly, and empathic listening. Try on their ideas. Be open to hearing what they think. Because they’re adults, they have their own ideas about things. Be more curious and have more wonder than advice-giving. Be open to hearing about who they are because they may have very different ideas than you, and they may have merit. You don’t have to see the world exactly like they do. You haven’t failed if they don’t mirror you exactly, and empathic listening. Try on their ideas. It’s true that today everything is very polarized, but be open to hearing because if you’re not open to hearing it, then you can’t have a relationship.”
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