The problem here is that you've got two things working against you. One is that you can't enjoy the souche. The second is that you beat yourself up for not being able to enjoy the suche, even while everyone else is enjoying the suche. What i'm telling you to do is accept that you can't enjoy the sushe. Tension and rift in the mind is the very opposite of mindfulness. When you're warring with your mind, you're not present at all.