A key variable here is to what extent do we foreground other people inside our own minds or flip it around. I mean, stunning how often what would cool down other people is completely doable when you really boil it down. It's often stunningly easy to give them. And so then the real question is no longer, Oh my gosh, it's such a huge ask. No, it's that that other person is just not willing to be influenced by you. They'rejust not willing to foreground you. And then that becomes the real issue in the relationship. But being able to see you clearly is fundamental, including in terms of what you can actually trust.

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