Overcoming Fear of Rejection in Dating

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And now, on with today's podcast!

Part 1 of 2

Our work with Chris started with this email:

Hi David and Jill,

I am 40 years old and have never been in a relationship. I've only had a handful of sexual experiences.

I used to carry a lot of shame around this, but have done some work on myself, have more or less come to terms with where I'm at, and actually really enjoy my life and am pretty happy most of the time. However, I recently developed some strong feelings towards a coworker, and this led me to re-evaluate my stance on being single.

The DML (LINK) details an incident from last week concerning this coworker. I haven't had extensive interactions with her and she works at a different site. Our clinical team meets twice monthly for online zoom meetings. She recommended a book to the team a few months ago, I read the book and enjoyed it, and was hoping to meet up with her and talk about it sometime. I was feeling a little terrified and didn't know if it was the right thing to do, but ultimately sent her an email asking if she'd like to speak with me about the book sometime.

She politely declined the invitation. The daily mood log documents the hour or two immediately after I sent the email, as well as some of the thoughts that happened after I received her reply.

There were a lot of negative thoughts, so I only included a few. There were also a number of hidden thoughts/beliefs that occurred to me over the last few days, which I have not included.

It seems worth noting that for 2-3 hours after I sent the email, I experienced a lot of emotional turmoil. However, at 4pm when I got off work, from the long drive home until I went to bed, I was in a euphoric state. I was happy about what I did, how I responded to the rejection, and was optimistic about my future. I was working out at the gym and had a hard time keeping a smile off my face.

I went to bed feeling great, but woke up in the middle of the night and felt terrible again, the painful sting of rejection kept me from sleeping. Since then, I've mostly felt just fine about it, only a few brief moments of really feeling that sting and they don't last long.

My goal isn't to necessarily get into a relationship or have more sex; it's to feel more confident in my interactions with women. After being rejected, I think 15 seconds of agony is enough, no need for more than that. In the past, when I've developed strong feelings towards a woman, I notice that I am prone to both negative and positive distortions, some version of:

• • "It's the end of the world if she isn't attracted to me," or
  • "She's perfect for me; there is no one else like her," or
  • "Sex with a beautiful woman will complete my life, or completely fulfill me".

I think I'd be better off without these distortions, but find the positive distortions to be somewhat addictive. They also make it hard for me to let go and move on. I still feel somewhat attached to this woman and haven't been able to let go and move on.

Also, I want to note that there are a few experiences from high school that really impacted my sexuality, relationship with women, and probably inform some core beliefs on these subjects that have recently come to surface. I'm not sure how much to share about this or whether it's even necessary to, but I suppose that could be addressed in the empathy phase on Tuesday.

One other thing that I didn't include in the DML, is when I'm in that negative state, sometimes I have intense thoughts directed at me that come in the form of the second person, like

• • You're a piece of shit.
  • I fucking hate you.
  • Cut your throat
  • You don't deserve to be alive.
  • I'll fucking kill you.

I don't really believe these thoughts, but they do make me sad.

Hope this all makes sense, let me know if you have questions or if I'm missing something. Looking forward to working with you.

Thanks,

Chris

This email led to personal work with Chris in our Tuesday TEAM-CBT training group, roughly one year ago. Dr. Jill Levitt, the Director of Training at the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California, was my co-therapist. It was one of the rawest and most riveting sessions that I can recall.

Here is the Daily Mood Log he sent, along with his Daily Mood Log:

Daily Mood Log

Due to the intensely personal, explosive revelations Chris shared with us during his session, he decided he did not want us to publicize his work as a podcast, which was totally understandable. Our highest priority is always the peace, safety, confidentiality, and well-being of the people we work with.

However, roughly a year later, Chris contacted us and said he’d changed his mind, which was fantastic news. He said he’d changed his mind because he had a relapse, and decided to listen to the recording of the work you’re about to hear. He said it was extremely helpful, and so he decided to let go and share it with the world.

I think you will find his personal work, published as usual as two consecutive podcasts without editing, to be mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, intensely inspiring and moving.

One word of caution is that his voice is soft and at times difficult to hear. We decide to publish it in spite of this because of the overwhelming power of his work. We are now setting up a professional quality recording studio and hope to record more sessions for you in the highest possible video and audio quality so we can bring you more inspiring Feeling Good Podcasts as well as live therapy sessions.

In the meantime, here is part 1 of our work with Chris. Next week, you’ll hear part 2.

Thanks so much for listening today!

Chris, Rhonda, and David

End of Part 1

Thank you for listening. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of our work with Chris!

Chris, Rhonda, Jill, and David