Understanding Hidden Anger and Anxiety in Relationships

Ask David Disturbing Intrusive Thoughts-- where do they come from?  Alone and Liking It--is that Okay? Help with those darned Shoulds, and more!

The following show notes were written before the show. The actual live discussions will vary somewhat from the answers you will find here, which simply included David's email exchanges with those who asked the questions. .

1. Rodolfo asks about disturbing and unwelcome intrusive thoughts.

2. Brittany asks if it’s okay to enjoy / prefer being alone.

3. John, from Ireland, asks, “Help! I’m shoulding on myself again! What can I do? Please do another podcast on Should Statements.”

1. Rodolfo asks about disturbing and unwelcome intrusive thoughts.

 

1. Rodolfo asks about ADHD & Intrusive Thoughts

Hello Dr. Burns, my name is Rudy. First and foremost, your writings and podcasts have been life changing for me. You’re AMAZING!

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I started experiencing intrusive thoughts around November of last year. I thought I had OCD, but apparently intrusive thoughts are a common companion in ADHD. What would be the best course of action in defeating them? How would I apply TEAM to them?

David’s Response

In all my books, like Feeling Great, I outline a step by step approach to writing down and challenging thoughts. You can also listen to the podcast on the four models for treating anxiety.

Can we use your great comment on a podcast, and add your question to our next Ask David podcast?

Can you send me an example of the types of intrusive thoughts you’re having? Sometimes writing them down and challenging can be helpful, but need to see what we’re talking about.

Best, david

Rodolfo responds

Thank you for the swift response! Ok, so writing down my intrusive thoughts, regardless of their nature, and challenging them. I don’t, however, know which method/route to challenge them with. I have Feeling Great, so I will read through it again. I will also check out the podcasts.

My intrusive thoughts have been disgusting violent acts involving my wife and son. ***I HAVE NO INTENTIONS OR DESIRE TO COMMIT ANY OF THEM***. I’ve had images of my wife getting shot, not necessarily by me. Sometimes I’ll see my arms give out and my son will fall. I’ve seen my wife sitting down, and she gets hit in the back of the head.

When they appear, I begin to freak out immensely because they are the complete opposite of who I am and what I want to do, which is protect them. I know I’m not doing something right when it comes to your methods because I still freak out.

David Responds

Thanks! Although disturbing, this is a very common and often easily treatable OCD type of problem. Best, david

Rodolfo responds

What a relief. I thought I was going insane here! I would be honored if you all covered it in a podcast. All I listen to in my car now is the Feeling Good podcast!

David Responds

Often, intrusive OCD thoughts reflect suppressed problems / feelings people have, especially when the person is exceptionally "nice," and used to sweeping feelings under the rug, so to speak. I cannot treat you in this medium, obviously, but I'm wondering if you have some negative feelings, like anger or frustration, toward your wife and child? When these are "squashed," they can come out indirectly, disguised as anxious thoughts and feelings. This is called the Hidden Emotion Technique, which you can look up using the search on my website, if curious, or read about it in my book, When Panic Attacks.

Best, david

2. Brittany asks if it’s okay to enjoy / prefer being alone.

Hi Dr. Burns,

I was listening to your podcast on self-acceptance, and it was really interesting hearing the results. I like how you said that just because we accept something about ourselves doesn’t mean we aren’t still working on it. I think people confuse that a lot.

One thing I’ve accepted about myself is that I really do enjoy being alone. I think in the past I would try to find a buddy in uncomfortable situations like the first day of work or orientation or going to a baby shower alone etc. but now I find that I am most comfortable when I’m not included with everyone else. However, I think it can come across as off putting to some.

Sometimes I get the feeling they see me excluding myself as rejection to them. That’s not my intention and nobody’s ever actually said that but it’s a thought that pops up.

Just wondered if you think this form of acceptance is good or bad? I mean it’s been good for me. Just maybe it’s bad for others?

-Brittany

David’s response

This is a cool question and nice comment, too, about our podcast. Can we read this on a podcast and use it for an Ask David?

Personally, I am trying to say "no" more often when asked to do things with other people, and sometimes it's hard. But if I don't say no, I get way too much on my plate and can't keep up!

Warmly, david

Brittany’s reply

That makes perfect sense to me. I’ve kind of taken the position where I don’t really want to make more friends because I feel like I’m already falling short with spending enough time with my cats and everyone else. Let alone time for myself.

David’s reply

Exactly! Our culture has this myth that's it's somehow impossible or immoral to enjoy just being with oneself!

David

 

3. John, from Ireland, asks, “Help! I’m shoulding on myself again! What can I do? Please do another podcast on Should Statements.”

Hi David and Rhonda!

Love the podcast and the work you folks are doing! I listen to the podcasts regularly and you are both bringing such great benefits to the world!

I would love to hear another podcast on should statements. I've been going through a pretty bad and extended period of anxiety and depression in recent months and have been really trying to challenge my thoughts without much success. I'm addicted to shoulds unfortunately and beat up on myself relentlessly.

I've tried to do a cost benefit analysis and the motivation piece is a huge part of the benefits side that is keeping me stuck. I really want to give up my should statements, they are making my life a misery. But I'm finding I don't want to let go of the motivation piece.

I have given a sample below. I'd love to know if there were further steps/techniques I could use aside from the CBA to address the benefits and the perceived motivation piece so I can fully let go of the shoulds!

Thanks so much both, John from Ireland

Negative Thought: “I should have plans on a Saturday.” 99% SHLD, ER, SB, MF, DP.

Benefits

1. Lets me know when I’m not performing to the standard I set for myself
2. Shows me my passion/goal in life for doing fun exciting things
3. Motivates me to move to make plans, scolds me until I do so.
4. Keeps me vigilant that I’m aware of my shortcomings
5. Reminds me of the value of being socially connected, meeting and having fun with friends.
6. It’s easy, it’s familiar, it’s such a habit. (process resistance)

Costs

1. Emotional Cost. Beats me up relentlessly, makes me feel depressed, anxious and lowers my self-esteem.
2. Reinforces perfectionistic beliefs
3. Counterproductive in terms of motivation, makes me feel so low,
4. Huge interpersonal cost, feel isolated alone. Prevents intimate connections
5. Not able to be present or flow in a conversation, quality of conversation/connection drops
6. Self-fulfilling prophecy, if I’m telling myself that then I ignore other possibilities.

Benefits 40 / Costs 60

David’s reply

Feeling Great is now available in the app store, and you can try it for free. It also has a class called “Your PhD in Shoulds.”

I’ll add your question to our next podcast list for an Ask David.

Since you’ve told me you can’t yet get the app in Ireland, I’ll send you the script of that lesson.

Thanks!

David

John continues the exchange

Hi David,

Thank you so much for taking the time to correspond today and thank you so much for all the work you're doing for free. The world would be a better place with more Rhonda's and Dr. Burns' in the world. One of the things that has brought me some peace in the last few weeks is going for a long walk in the evening after work listening to your podcasts!

I have attached a DML that I've been working on to give a bit more context. I made some inroads on that original should statement, however, as you can see from the DML more shoulds keep popping up. I have identified the Self Defeating Beliefs that resonate with me at the bottom of the document. I'm working hard to find healthy acceptance, I know this is key for me. I'm not entirely sure a lot of the time what exactly I should be accepting. That I'm a flawed person with many defects, just like everyone else maybe?

To give some further context and without overburdening you with too much detail:

• I feel my anxieties are one of the main parts of my problem and I would love to get over these. I feel defective that I'm not resilient enough for the challenges of life. I have fears mainly around people, fear of letting people down, fear of being judged or rejected and just feeling different to others I suppose.
• I've struggled with recurring anxiety and some depressive periods from when I was a young child (likely biological - my dad has the same issue). I have strong feelings of defectiveness and not being up to standard compared to my peers.
• I have a very busy corporate finance job where I've been working very long hours over an extended number of weeks and months. I don’t' love my job, fell into it really. Could be a hidden emotion thing going on.
• I started working from home more and more in recent months as my workload increased and my anxiety and mood really started to dip as work took over my life. I started to get really burned out in April. A lot of why I enjoyed the job previously was having fun with my teammates but that has become impossible in recent times due to everyone's workload.
• I do CrossFit which is probably an extreme form of exercise and between that and work I fell into some kind of perfectionism where I couldn't really find joy out of anything, aiming for higher and higher achievements. This brought on tons of shoulds and all or nothing thinking and self-blame, I think.
• My dad, who had been doing well for a good few years fell into a deep depression and anxious state around April time too and has been in hospital for a number of weeks and our family is trying to support him through this. We're finding the standard of mental health care in Ireland really really poor unfortunately. I find his issues quite triggering for me a lot of the time and I'll believe I'm defective because he is defective and there is nothing I can do about it. Dad is entirely dependent on medication to get him out of his slump and has a bad case of do-nothingism. He is beating himself up relentlessly too and I gave him a copy of Feeling Good to read but he hasn't looked at it at all.
• I have just turned 40 and I’m still single, so I feel like I'm letting my family down for not being emotionally able for a relationship or kids or be a better brother/son. I know I'm probably being harsh here as they say the opposite, but I feel I could/should be doing more.

I have probably fired way too much detail at you, so I'll stop there!

Thanks so much again!

John

Listen to this podcast for the great discussions and commentary by Rhonda, Matt, and David