Sibling Differentiation Explains Over‑ and Under‑Functioning

Aileen Miziolek hosts an in-depth conversation with Alyson Schafer, an acclaimed author and Adlerian family counsellor. In this thoughtful 30-minute episode, they touch on issues around over- and under-functioning children, why the notion of fair vs. equal in childhood can impact long-term family business dynamics, and how tackling the unique challenges of enterprising families requires maturity, open-mindedness and an understanding that sometimes personal responsibility is the only path forward.

All views, information, and opinions expressed during this podcast are solely those of the individuals involved and do not necessarily represent those of Family Enterprise Canada.

Guest bio

Alyson Schafer is one of Canada’s leading parenting experts. She promotes a firm but friendly “democratic parenting” style and offers practical solutions backed by extensive evidence-based research. Alyson is an Adlerian family counsellor, author, and internationally acclaimed expert who empowers families by sharing her principles, rules, and tools for raising co-operative and resilient kids.

You can learn more about Alyson Schafer on her website and LinkedIn.

Key Takeaways

[0:26] Aileen Miziolek welcomes Alyson Schafer and asks her to share about her experience with family business dynamics.

[3:01] Understanding the notion of fair vs. equal is a large part of how a family orients itself. Alyson explains how the abundance and scarcity models may influence how this manifests.

[6:48] While intergenerational patterns are real, there is always hope for change when there is maturity and open-mindedness.

[10:36] Family businesses do not have the freedom of relative anonymity in the workplace: family tensions can easily translate into business tensions.

[12:52] Personal responsibility is required for change. Alyson offers a dance metaphor to illustrate that the “other” doesn’t always need to start the process.

[15:15] Children differentiate to stop competition. Alyson warns against bean-counting to prevent under-functioning.

[20:46] Alyson shares tips to manage over- and under-functioning in any given system.

[23:34] Co-leading siblings is possible, but will require strong buy-in, well-defined roles and responsibilities, and generational support.

[26:15] Solving problems at the parent level is usually the fastest way to power change.

[27:29] North America is singular in its propensity to cut off family members!

[29:43] Links to Alyson Schafer’s contact, podcast, and books can be found in the links below.

[31:11] Aileen thanks Alyson Schafer for sharing so much of her knowledge, and closes this episode by reminding listeners to rate and subscribe.

If you enjoyed today’s episode, you can subscribe to Let’s Talk Family Enterprise on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and other podcast apps. Please remember to share this episode with family, friends, and colleagues. Share your thoughts with us at fea@familyenterprise.ca.

Mentioned in this episode

Alyson Schafer’s Podcast: Parenting The Adlerian Way

Ain't Misbehavin’: Tactics for Tantrums, Meltdowns, Bedtime Blues and Other Perfectly Normal Kid Behaviors, by Alyson Schafer

Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work, by Alyson Schafer

Breaking The Good Mom Myth, by Alyson Schafer

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