I've Had a Big T-Trauma Event for a Long Time and I'm Not Sure What Happened to Me but I'd Like to Say It Was a Bad Experience for Me

At 19 I had a uh I would call it a big t-trauma event um and this is another thing where I've come to think about it not in terms what the event was itself but also what your what you brought into the event that made you either susceptible or resilient. My father was so emotionally constipated himself that he shunned any like any expression of emotion which was my mom who he didn't treat very well. So when she was expressing emotion I internalized that if I'm ever sad or angry or whatever I show whatever emotion  or have my own wants That's a big one like if my wants are not what dad wantsUh then I won't be loved