Building Secure Alliances in Relationships

Shownotes

• The difference between secure attachment and secure functioning

• Why a deep desire for love is underneath all attachment styles

• How shared purpose in your relationship brings you closer

• Why you have to become a whisperer for your partner

• One of Dr. Tatkin’s top ways to create safety for your partner

• The biggest mistake people make in modern dating

Bio

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, co-founder of the PACT Institute and an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA.

He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in

the US and internationally. Dr Tatkin is the author of In Each Other’s Care, We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships and co-author of Baby Bomb.

Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships.

Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. 

He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview by way of Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program through UC Berkeley.

Timestamps

00:00:43 - Guest introduction

00:03:58 - The difference between secure attachment and secure functioning

00:06:00 - How to find compassion for an anxious or avoidant

00:09:59 - Sign up for Layla’s newsletter at ⁠LaylaMartin.com⁠

00:11:49 - Layla describes an avoidant’s experience as a baby

00:13:19 - Why a deep desire for love is underneath all attachment styles

00:16:17 - Attachment isn’t personality, it’s memory

00:21:49 - Plan for your devils, not your angels

00:25:43 - How shared purpose in your relationship brings you closer

00:26:54 - Discover the ⁠VITA™ Sex, Love and Relationship Coaching Certification⁠ 

00:33:32 - Dr. Tatkin’s advice for the moments you see your partner as an enemy

00:37:27 - Discover ⁠MOOD™ Sex Magic⁠

00:38:20 - What do you secretly put in front of your relationship?

00:45:48 - Why you have to become a whisperer for your partner

00:46:53 - How to learn to take care of your partner’s nervous system

00:49:14 - Fall in love with your body and unlock outrageous orgasms with ⁠Obliss⁠

00:50:50 - One of Dr. Tatkin’s top ways to create safety for your partner

00:54:05 - Why apologizing can subconsciously feel like weakness

00:57:11 - Dr. Tatkin explains the details of “The Couple Bubble”

01:00:34 - What Dr. Tatkin sees that the happiest long term couples do

01:03:50 - Insecures don’t believe there’s such a thing as fairness and justice

01:05:44 - The biggest mistake people make in modern dating

01:08:07 - Dr. Tatkin celebrates his wife and his relationship

01:11:55 - Secure functioning is very hard but it’s worth it

01:12:00 - Conclusion