Anti-harshness and self-compassion

Terry Real is a therapist and best-selling author expert on male emotional health and how men can build the skills for healthy relating to others: in relationships, work, friendships and to themselves. We discuss how mixed and ever-changing messages about what masculinity is are impacting the mental and physical health of men and boys. Terry explains how learning the skill of "relationality" leads to improvements in all aspects of boys' and men's lives and shares practical tools for how to do that. We also discuss the essential role of having a close male community to build confidence and self-esteem. This conversation offers actionable guidance for boys, men and women seeking to build healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Read the episode show notes at hubermanlab.com.

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Timestamps

(00:00:00) Terry Real

(00:02:53) Men & Masculinity, Political vs Psychological Patriarchy, Feminism

(00:07:39) Stoicism, Vulnerability, Traditional Masculinity, Emotions

(00:10:50) Sponsors: BetterHelp & David

(00:13:14) Masculinity Across Decades, Giving; Gratification vs Relational Joy

(00:21:54) Healthy Emotional Expression, Connection & Vulnerability; Self-Esteem

(00:31:17) Feeling Emotions, Tools: Asking For Help; Fights & "What Do You Need?"

(00:35:10) Self-Esteem & Relationship Accountability; Criticism, Redefining Strength

(00:40:47) Sponsor: AG1

(00:42:32) Healthy Criticism, Tool: Women & Articulating Needs

(00:50:21) Childlike Behavior, Wise Adult & Trauma, Tool: Relational Mindfulness

(00:58:11) Tool: Responsible Distance Taking; Self-Interest; Relationship "Biosphere"

(01:08:14) Alcohol, Men & Friends, Loneliness, Men's Retreat

(01:17:51) Fraternities, Men's Groups, Tool: Relationship vs Individual Support

(01:25:39) Sponsor: Function

(01:27:27) Lack of Male Friends, Hiking, Community, Teaching Young Men

(01:36:11) Cannabis, Alcohol, Young Men & Purpose, Flexibility & Manliness

(01:40:40) Work, Life Purpose & Men; Skillful Warriors

(01:45:01) Absent Fathers; Early Childhood & Proper Nurturing; Caretaking

(01:53:24) Sponsor: Waking Up

(01:54:47) Women & Speaking Relationally, Objectivity Battle

(01:59:02) Addiction & Disconnection, 12-Step Meetings & Fellowship

(02:08:04) Pornography, Internet, Intensity vs Intimacy; Optimization

(02:11:57) Tool: Families & Hanging Out; Relational Joy; Relational Recovery

(02:22:29) Giving Criticism, Tools: Make Requests; Feedback Wheel

(02:28:21) Gratitude, Aging; Skillful Fighting in Relationship & Repair

(02:34:17) Men & Self-Esteem, Mentors, Tool: Inner Dialogue without Harshness

(02:44:00) Y Chromosome, Wholeness

(02:48:00) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow, Reviews & Feedback, Sponsors, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

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