8min chapter

The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW cover image

S3 E 117 - The Shame of "Failing" our Children

The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW

CHAPTER

Navigating Parental Guilt and Embracing Self-Compassion

This chapter delves into the struggles of parenting, highlighting feelings of failure and shame while advocating for self-compassion. The speaker shares personal experiences and encourages parents to prioritize their own well-being and engage in inner-child work for personal growth.

00:00
Speaker 1
I leave every interaction feeling like a failure. Who am I really failing? Am I failing, you know, 8-year 10-year 15-year me who really needed more than she got? Well, if that's the case, then it's the inner child work I need to do, not being a better parent, not being a different parent, not somehow becoming superhuman and not having feelings that lead me to lose my temper or not having needs that lead me to draw boundaries. You know, one thing I'll say from a really personal place is I raised my kids for the first, let's call it 18 years without having much of a demanding career. I mean, I've done what I do, what you guys all know I've done for years, but it really was on my own time. You know, I had a private practice, so I made my hours. I did not work when I needed to take care of my kids. I wrote my books at, or yeah, I mean, there were two, there was the original Meaning of Truth and then the whole rewriting in 2016 for the second edition. I wrote them after my kids went to bed at night. Like I was a mother first and I'm proud of that. It doesn't have to be everyone's choice. It was my choice. Having said that, in the last few years as I have really ramped up my desire to be a full-time writer, podcaster, therapist, retreat leader, all the things that I do, having social media be huge pressure because that's never over. You're always having to do more. I have felt from my children, never punitive, but always kind of like, oh, kind of wish you were here or wish you could do that or wish you could be more involved in this. And I have to say at this age, I can't. I have to choose this right now. This is important to me. Doesn't mean I'm not a loving, caring, present mom, but there is temptation in me to feel terrible guilt and shame. There is temptation in me to feel like, well, I've always been the certain way. I have to keep being the certain way. People get used to you being a certain way. You can't draw boundaries. This is stuff we have to challenge because you get to live. You get to have a life that is also yours. And you get to have self-care. You know, I can't tell you how many moms say, Nicole, I hear you. I can't do a journal speak practice. My goodness. There's not enough hours in the day. I can't take care of myself. I cannot draw this boundary. I can't, I can't, I can't. And I say, well, through that lens, you can't. But life is a choice between what hurts and what hurts worse. And there is always an opportunity to do something differently if it's the right thing for you. If you can pause long enough to climb out of that hole of self-criticism and doubt and fear and shame, you can make different choices. And one of the different choices that has nothing to do with doing anything differently is the way you see yourself. And so I think my main objective for coming here today was to help you gain perspective on how you see yourself, how you define yourself, and how you judge yourself, and what your worth is. Because when I read people are constantly feeling like they need to improve, I'm always a little skeptical that it's always about improvement. Sometimes it's about a shift in perspective, about seeing ourselves in a warmer and more expansive light, about widening our lens to say, what is in there? What needs to be seen? Who's hurting? Who needs to be attended to? And sometimes it's about inner child work and sometimes it's simply about saying, what if what I am is exactly what needs to be? What if it's enough? What if it's more than enough? What if it is so important? The puzzle piece that I play, the piece that fits into the overall picture that is my life, what if I am doing it on point? And it's okay. I want you to consider that. We are deep, deep into the holiday season. We are all preparing often for gatherings with families or time where we could feel very judged. We can feel very seen. We can feel like our kids are really paying attention. Our family members are really paying attention to who's operating in the way that people think they need to be. There's so many different factors that play in here. Be awake, be aware, and know that you have the potential to be your own best advocate and your own best supporter. You can say, hey, I see you, right to yourself. You could be in the middle of a family gathering, go to the bathroom and turn on the light and look in the mirror and have the bravery to look yourself right in the eye and say, hey, I see you. You're doing this and you are all right. That kind of energy is important. If you are not a friend to yourself, it is very, very hard to get enough from the friends that you have in your life. It's so important. Be compassionate to yourself. Pause. Consider how you might speak to yourself differently. Know that when you practice this work without self-compassion, it is like bailing out a boat with a hole in the bottom. You don't want to do that to yourself. You have got this. You're okay. Try to find the spaces in between to be present and to remember joy, to capture those moments and say, oh my goodness, everything is really okay right now. So important, so healing, and it does a lot to cause you not to dump more into that reservoir that causes so much nervous system dysregulation and so much pain. All of this, all of this stuff, it's ingredients in the recipe. So don't forget. All right, my loves, don't forget for me to please go over to my website, The Cure for Chronic... Oops, that was my old website. You get there from there. Don't forget to go over to my website, NicoleSax.com, and pre-order my book, Mind Your Body. Every pre-order matters. As the numbers build, the publisher will see that we need to get this message out everywhere on the planet. If you could pre-order that book for a friend, for yourself, as a holiday gift, you will get it on February 4th, but you will get so much before that. Incentives on my website, on the book page of special exclusive gifts only for pre-orders. I really appreciate it. If you've enjoyed this podcast, that is one thing you can do for me. And if you are getting something from this work to go over to iTunes and rate and review, this podcast helps other people just like you find it. I so appreciate you. I so appreciate everything you're doing for yourself. I see you. I see you there. I know it because you're just like me. All right, my loves. Until next week, this has been the Cure for Chronic Pain podcast with me, Nicole Sachs, and I will see you then. Bye-bye.

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