The 4F Formula: Flattery to Fear

Ask Rachel anything

While counseling sex offenders, Anna Sonoda, LCSW learned firsthand that grooming, the prelude to child sexual abuse, is intentional, gradual, and observable. Her message to us is, we're not bad parents, we just have a skills gap and she wants to fill it. 

I grew up in an era of stranger danger, but the truth is the vast majority of abuse happens inside our homes, online and offline, with people our kids know. So how can we spot the signs that a predator is moving in on us and our kids? 

Anna says there are clear stages of grooming that, once we know about them, we can intercept. She introduces the "4F formula" for grooming: flattery, favoritism, forbidden fruits, and fear, and stresses the importance of recognizing grooming's subtle signs. Anna advises parents to set clear device usage rules, use parental controls, and maintain open communication with their children. She also advocates for delaying social media access until age 16 and emphasizes the role of parents in curating their children's online and offline environments.

In this episode we cover:

• What Is Grooming? (And Why Your Gut Isn’t Enough)
• Who Is at Risk? Myths About “Safe” Communities
• Online vs Offline Grooming: Why Both Matter
•  The 4F Formula: Stages of Grooming Parents Need to Know
• Red Flags of Grooming in Digital Spaces
• Devices, Social Media and Age: What’s Really Appropriate?
• Practical House Rules That Reduce Grooming Risk
• Building “Predator-Proof” Kids Through Connection
• Reclaiming Parental Leadership in a Tech-Driven World

Resources:

Anna Sonoda: www.annasonoda.com

IWF: https://www.iwf.org.uk/ UK-based for reporting and removing innapropriate images

Common Sense Media: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/ For useful and appropriate age guidance

Predator’s Playground: AI, Gaming, and the Kids at Risk

https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/predator%E2%80%99s-playground-ai-gaming-and-the-kids-at-risk?blogcategory=Online+safety

Protecting Families in the Age of AI: 'Take It Down Act'

 https://annasonoda.com/blog/f/protecting-families-in-the-age-of-ai-take-it-down-act?blogcategory=Online+safety

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